


Hurts Like Heaven

by redblue



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Asexual Mikasa Ackerman, Child Abuse, F/F, Just prepare the tissues, Levi and Erwin are brothers, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Mutual Pining, Physical Abuse, Piano, Rated E for the non-con scene in later chapters, domestic abuse, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:32:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redblue/pseuds/redblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin and Eren have been dating for seven months. Erwin’s been hitting him for three. No one notices. He's broken and alone, but he fights on. No one notices... until one day, Levi does. But in a world where Levi loves Erwin as his brother and best friend, and Eren loves Erwin as the person who saved him when no one else would, it's not as easy to reach a happy conclusion as one would hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Use Your Heart as a Weapon

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to address Erwin Smith's role in this story before you read. I do want to say that I completely understand his characterization in SNK and I appreciate him immensely for his personality and character in the actual canon story-line. But, as this is an alternate universe, different circumstances and trauma has given Erwin a slightly different personality. Please understand that the way I write him in this story is an effect of his own personal life experiences in this universe. Thank you!

Erwin and Eren had been dating for seven months. Erwin’s been hitting him for three.

No one noticed. At least, not at first. They were careful, each one separately working to hide what was happening. Anger taken out anywhere but his face, leaving it to Eren to cover up each yellowed bruise, shielding purple and blue splotches the best he could. Some days, he would limp. Other times, the younger boy’s eyes would be dull. Absolutely dead, not an ounce of happiness found in them.

But no one understood. Friends would assume it was sex. Erwin seemed wild. A football player, intelligent and heading for his bachelor’s degree, partying with other athletes whenever given the chance. He was sweet and kind, caring to Eren in public. Erwin wore smiles, helping elder’s carry their groceries and tearing up during The Notebook. He squeezed Eren’s hand to reassure him. He teased his younger boyfriend around their friends. He kissed him on the cheek whenever they parted, sometimes a whisper of goodbye on his tongue.

Erwin loved Eren, and Eren loved him, too. He didn’t doubt that. This didn’t make him naive. These were facts. Eren had seen the truth in his partner’s eyes whenever those three words had fallen from his lips. But their truth was different than people thought.

Erwin loved Eren, and Eren loved him, too. But they were not in love. This was essential to their relationship, to the pain and the desperation. They loved each other so, so much. They clung to each other. Eren found Erwin at a time of misery, and had immediately become happier upon their friendship. He made him happy. He helped him and guided him. He’d given him hope for a future, and had stolen him from the darkness. Four months of love. And while it wasn’t always romantic love, but admiration and allure and attraction, Eren told himself he could fall in love with the other. He loved him. So incredibly much. So much that he felt he could not live without him.

But Erwin had a temper. Erwin was possessive. Erwin had a hidden depth, a malevolence within him that craved release. And only Eren was allowed to see that side of him. And Eren, a boy who had been lost before he’d met the other, owed him this. He owed him, and if becoming a punching bag was Erwin’s stress reliever, then Eren would do so.

They loved each other. Erwin hit him.

No one noticed.

Not until Levi began to.

- 

Ironically enough, Levi had been the source of their first fight.

The two were adopted brothers, living in an apartment right off campus. Their home was incredibly nice. Rich, adopted sons of a musical genius. And the two of them, polar opposites (with Erwin’s smiles and Levi’s blank stares of disgust), were piano prodigies. Brilliant and compassionate with the instrument, fingers that shifted like air, elegant and beautiful on each key. This genius, a wealthy man with a stony stare, had adopted the two boys from their little orphanage after hearing them play piano.

The story was famous, but the details were often warped. No one knew why the musical genius would adopt them both, only for their talents. No one knew why the genius wanted children, two boys who would surely be wild and impossible to tame. No one knew why he had died so suddenly, as the details were never released to the public. No one knew how the two sons were doing after his death.

But with the death of their adopted father and the acceptance of college letters, they were on their way to a new beginning. At school, Erwin drifted from the musical scene and became a young man of many talents. His build was ridiculously strong and tall, his speed quick for the body type. The football team had been blown away by his plays at try-outs.

Levi had stayed with the piano, but he never entered competitions. He was quiet and unfriendly. No one bothered him much, and he liked it that way.

- 

Eren, a freshman at their university, was forced to live in the dorms on campus. Because his senior boyfriend had an apartment where they could hang out, that’s where he usually was. 

Eren was playing Mario Kart: Double Dash on an old GameCube he’d brought over, despite Erwin always reminding him of the Wii and X-Box they owned.

The brown-haired youth always shook his head. “The GameCube is special!” he’d claim, and Erwin would just shake his head at his boyfriend, who seemed to desire a mysterious nostalgia.

Multiple times that day, Eren had begged the other to play a race with him. But the older blond claimed to have too much homework, always so damn responsible. He worked from a sleek table behind the L shaped couch.

“Just one game! It’ll be quick!” 

The other only laughed, shaking his head, and Eren was subjected to playing by himself.

Eventually, Levi came out of his room, earbuds pressed into his ears. Eren often wondered what he listened to, but he’d concluded that it must be a piano piece, as the black-haired male's fingers always flinched and moved when he wore them.

“Levi!” The brother didn’t hear him. “Levi! Hey, hey, Levi!” Eren’s voice carried heavily over the apartment, and he was too slow to notice the flicker in Erwin’s eyes.

Levi heard him, and pulled out his headphones. “What?”

“Play a round of Mario Kart, will ya?”

Levi stared at him for a long, long minute, before glancing at the screen. “You do know who you’re asking, right?” It was almost like Levi knew of his ugly reputation, and was threatening the freshman to back off.

“Yeah, I’m asking _you_! C’mon, Erwin over there thinks he’s too cool for video games. Just one round, ‘kay? Then I’ll quit bothering you.”

Levi opened his mouth, a flat expression on his face, when Eren added, “If you don’t say yes, I’ll follow you around until you do.”

Again, Levi stared for an outstretched moment before sighing and bringing himself to the living room. He sat on the couch directly in front of the wide, flat-screen television, as Eren was bundled on the floor, right in the corner of the couches bent L.

“Get ready to get wiped out,” he threatened, and Levi only scoffed, silent in response. Eren couldn’t help but feel the competitive atmosphere climb with exciting tension, though, and his eyes blazed as they played.

Levi easily beat him, using all his items to toss at Eren, who fell into fifth place compared to Levi’s first. Eren turned to the brother of his boyfriend, giving him a friendly squeeze on the knee, more of a playful and kind gesture than anything else.

“Let’s play another round! Please, god, I know I can beat you… I just hav’ta get more items than you… and my palms were sweaty, so it wasn’t fair.”

Levi stood, shaking his head. “Sorry, brat. Got shit to do. Plus, we can play a hundred times, and I’ll still beat you.” But there’s a hint of something in his eyes. A secret smile; a sliver of excitement. As if he’s just had fun. His expression, however, remains passive as he grabs his coat off a chair from the table, patting his brother on the shoulder, and leaving without another word.

Eren sighs, leaning back into the couch and staring at the screen. Levi’s player, Yoshi, is shown at the top of the list of players.

That’s when he notices a tapping, and turns to see Erwin rapidly swinging his pen against the paper beneath it. Like a nervous habit, knee bouncing. Eren raises his eyebrows.

“Erw-?”

“ **What was that?** ”

Eren pauses, paling. He’s never heard Erwin’s voice come out like that. Cold. Stern and strict. No. It was absolutely livid. Eren’s confusion is bright on his face, and it only pissed Erwin off more. The air shifts, only with those three words, but Eren doesn’t catch on as quickly as he should. He doesn’t realize the bent knuckles on Erwin’s hands. Doesn’t notice the glaring nature of his eyes. Doesn’t notice the way his thumb is pressing against the pen.

“What was what, Erwin? I don’t understand.” He says it calmly. Always trying to understand. Never getting angry despite their constant miscommunication.

“Don’t play me like a moron, Eren.” It’s muttered. Silent. A curve of nastiness in his breath.

“Erwin, I swear, I don’t know…”

But it’s this naivety that pisses Erwin off. It’s this shrouded face of innocence. It’s his friendliness, which he shares with everyone. Too many people. It should be him, just him, and especially never shown to his brother. Hands slam down on the table, and Eren jumps, finally standing. He thinks it’s only jealously, and walks around the couch to stand by Erwin’s side. He looks up at him, emerald eyes shining with truth, not understanding. His love is only for him. His eyes are only on him. What could he have possibly done wrong?

His first mistake is touching Erwin’s arm, trying to understand the situation. Erwin is quick. Heated and easily tempered, his hand lifts. It strikes Eren in the cheek, backhanded and hard. As if he was trying to get him away, but had accidentally let his emotions run loose.

It’s an accident at first, but Erwin won’t admit that it feels good.

Eren holds his cheek in his palms, looking up at his partner with sheer shock and hurt in each pretty hue. It stings, but the betrayal is more painful than anything else. The confusion is ridiculously strong. But he doesn’t cry. He just looks at him, waiting, eyes flickering as if the walls or the air or the table would provide an explanation.

Erwin quickly realizes what he’s done, fingers finding the youth’s cheek, eyes welling with regret (whether faked or true, it’s unclear). “Eren, shit. I’m. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it, I swear. Fuck.” He’s kissing him, pressing lips everywhere he can find, kissing eyebrows and his nose and lips and each cheek, holding him so preciously and gently, words falling with absolute remorse.

Eren shakes his head immediately. The amount of pain in Erwin’s words stills him. It eats at him. “It’s okay, I’m fine. Really.” His hands have dropped back to his side, and his boyfriend continues to kiss him, whispering sweet apologies against his olive skin.

“It’s okay, Erwin. I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know why he apologizes, but he does. He’s still reeling. Confused. So confused.

Erwin holds his hands, kissing each knuckle and proposing they go out for frozen yogurt, his treat. Eren can only smile and nod, pleased with the idea, knowing the welling in his cheek would go down with something cold. It wasn’t that hard of a hit. In the beginning, they’d started out so lightly.

When they go for the cold dessert and sit at the table, Erwin keeps touching him gently, talking to him about his day and asking Eren how he feels. He’s being incredibly tentative; caring and loving. Eren is completely swept away in the wave of sweetness, unsure but accepting. It's like a dream. One minute, his stomach is roaring with nausea, scared and reeling and never once understanding where the anger had come from. And the next, he's full of love and adoration. It's a dream, and Eren loses himself within it. Because in the end, even if this dream was actually a nightmare, it was all he had.

It’s only when they’re throwing out their empty cups that Erwin says anything of it.

“Don’t talk to Levi again, okay?”

Eren nods, and thinks it's over. But it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope it wasn't too bad! I'm a bit rusty, because I usually don't write stories, and I especially don't write fanfiction. Hope it was an okay start, though. Now that I've got a bit of ground-work and plot basis, it'll definitely pick up soon. Hopefully I can post Chapter Two within the next week!
> 
> Don't worry. Levi and Erwin's history, and Erwin and Eren's history, will be spoken of sooner or later. Look forward to more stolen moments between Levi and Eren, and lots of sadness. Especially when Levi actually begins to notice what's happening. I'm gonna try and insert some humor, but... we'll see how it fits aha.
> 
> Tagging: 'fic:hurts like heaven' or 'fic hurts like heaven' or 'ereri hurts like heaven'.


	2. Hollowed Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Eren met the two brothers.

In those three months, Eren learns. 

Not everything sets Erwin off, and it’s not always jealousy. It was hard to always pinpoint where Eren had precisely made his boyfriend angry. Sometimes, it was the way he dressed. Sometimes, it was the way he acted. Most of the time, it was who he was talking to. It wasn’t jealousy, but rather a strong sense of dominance and possessiveness. Eren was his, and only his. By doing something Erwin didn’t want, the younger was going against his will. This was where each argument set in.

The second time Erwin hurt him, he’d almost broken the boy’s wrist. 

It was mandatory for freshmen to live in the dorms, which is why Eren and Erwin barely hung out at the younger’s place. Eren roomed with his best friend, Armin, who had come to college with him. They had a messy room, typical for two teenage boys (both aged 18, but still technically teens). Armin’s side was pretty neat, blue sheets and a television set up on his dresser. Eren’s side had a dark green comforter, bed never made. They had packs of Red Bull and slim jims all over the room, along with Gatorade, cups of Ramen, Twinkies, and more. They had an array of video games, and Eren had a portable piano keyboard in the corner. 

Mikasa, their other friend who’d chosen the same college, was always hanging out in their room and lounging in Eren’s bed when he wasn’t there.

One day, Erwin and Eren were on campus when the younger of the two had suggested hanging out with his two friends. The older agreed, the two of them in a happy mood, and they’d headed to his room on the third floor.

The first thing they’d unfortunately seen was Mikasa on Eren’s bed, which was the first slight annoyance. Eren, though, was only happy to see that his best friend was actually there, since he hadn’t called to check first. She immediately hopped up, bounding over the boy and wrapping him in a large hug. She ruffled his hair, said hello to Erwin, and asked them what they were doing here.

“We wanted to hang out here for once,” Eren told her, laughing brightly and plopping down on Armin’s bed, as she returned to his. Erwin stood standing. He’d met his boyfriend’s best friends plenty of times before, but something was off this time. No one noticed, though, their attention only on each other. 

Armin stood, giving his friend a solemn look. “We were just about to head to class. Sorry, Eren. At least you and Erwin can have the room to yourselves, though.” He winked at him, and the brown haired student only laughed, shaking his head. 

“I missed you guys, though. That’s why we’re here.”

Mikasa frowned, looking at Armin. “Let’s skip.”

Armin shook his head, lifting Mikasa up and forcing a science book into her lap. “We’ve skipped, like, five times already this semester. You know we can’t.” The girl sighed, nodding and standing up, giving Eren a soft smile.

“How about tomorrow night, I come back and we have a sleepover? Popcorn and Scream. You’ve always said Ghostface was your favorite scary movie killer, right?”

Eren grinned, excitement blazing in his previously sad hues. “Of course!” He glanced at Erwin before looking back at Mikasa. “Me and Erwin had dinner plans, but I’m sure we can reschedule, right?” His boyfriend gave him a look before finally nodding, sending his approval.

Mikasa gave Eren a kiss on the forehead as goodbye, Armin calling out a quick, ‘See you tomorrow!’ before they were out the door.

It had been nearly two weeks from the first time Erwin hit him, and Eren had practically forgotten by now. The accident sometimes came into his mind, making him uncomfortable and frightened, but for the most part Erwin had been so kind and quiet, just as he’d always been.

So Eren had thought the issue was over. He’d believed it to be a one-time instance. He’d never seen that anger, and had never expected to see it again. That’s why he’d forgiven Erwin so quickly. _Everyone gets angry,_ he’d thought to himself, as the weeks rolled by nicely.

But this time, it was the same sudden anger, a scowl on his boyfriends face. Eren’s eyes flickered to the other, just in time to see him stride over. A strong hand pulled at his wrist, yanking him off the bed and into a standing position. The youth’s legs felt like lead, and he would have tumbled to the floor if it weren’t for Erwin’s grip.

“Ow, Erwin-!”

“Shut up.” Erwin’s free hand took Eren’s face in his hands, fingertips digging into his cheeks and holding the younger’s face upwards. The blond kissed him roughly, the brunette's eyebrows constricted in pain. Confused. That was always his first reaction in the beginning. Never fear. Only confusion.

Erwin’s grip on the boy’s wrist was blinding, almost breaking the bones. “You don’t cancel your plans with me, alright? You’re mine.” Eren nodded, not hesitating to do so. Erwin let go of his face, but still held his hand. “And don’t let that bitch touch you anymore. It’s sickening.”

Eren wanted to tell him that he and Mikasa weren’t like that, but he figured it wouldn’t help. He only nodded again, to which Erwin sighed, letting go of his wrist. Already, it seemed swollen, reddened and angry. Just like Erwin. 

The blond lifted his hand lightly this time, kissing the bone at his wrist, shaking his head slightly, murmured words coming out. As if he were only talking to himself. “I wouldn’t have to do this if you just listened.” So gentle, so soft. “You’re mine, okay?” Another kiss, this time on his forearm. Eren only stood still, unsure what to do with it. When Erwin looked at him with expecting blue eyes, the youth nodded.

“Only yours.”

 

Erwin and Eren had met through piano. 

Eren was practically a prodigy; the lazy, rebellious boy who produced a beautiful sound with the keys. He’d gotten into college on his musical ability alone, Armin following him with his intelligence, Mikasa getting in with her great test scores. The school had an amazing music program, but was also well known for having a great football team and an excellent law program. It was a huge university, and he was happy his best friend’s had followed him, or he would have felt even more alone.

The freshman had found out eventually that the Smith brothers went to this school, too. In the piano world, they were famous. Their story was mysterious, but they were incredibly respected as brilliant pianists. They were unbeatable in every competition they entered. 

At the beginning of fall, Eren had found them playing piano together in one of the music rooms. He’d immediately stopped them, his voice carrying out, echoing in the tiny space.

“Please coach me!”

Of course, the boy already knew how to play, and he’d already been called a prodigy by the critics around him. His technique took dedication and hard work. But still. The Smith brothers were so incredibly talented. Everything they did, everything they produced, sounded like the original piece. Their fingers were magic. It was enchanting. Alluring. It was angelic. And Eren only figured he could continue to improve.

Erwin had tilted his head, smiling, while Levi gave the eager freshman an incredulous glance, and a sharp, “Get out,” before Erwin laughed.

“Don’t turn the boy down so fast, Levi.” Blue eyes looked up at the brunette, whose face was flushed and red and determined. “Do you know how to play?”

“Of course! I can show you, if you’d like.”

“Erwin…” Levi muttered, not wanting to give the youth the time of day. But Erwin’s attention was only on him. He got up off the bench, indicating he sit down. 

“Show us what you’ve got, then.” Perhaps he was just testing him. Maybe he was just teasing him, and wouldn't bother with the boy afterwards. But Eren took it as a challenge.

Eren nodded, sitting and adjusting what he had to. Fingers lazed over the keys. His back sat straight up. He sat like a professional, and the brothers looked at him, one interested and the other annoyed.

He pressed into the first key, before going off slowly and quietly. It was Johann Sebastian Bach’s Prelude in C Major; a piece similar to the flap of a butterfly's wing. Soft and loving. The student was talented. The piece was an inch from perfect, but beautiful in tone and emotion. There was only truth in the music. Only love and freedom and happiness. Like Eren were some free spirit that had come running through the door, yelling like a madman, hidden enchantment in his magical expression. 

When the piece ended, he looked up. Erwin was smiling down at him, obviously proud of the stranger. He grinned back at him, but eyes shifted over, looking for approval from someone else.

Levi was looking elsewhere. Out the window, where a light rain was suddenly piercing down, wetting the windows. His gaze looked lost, before eyes suddenly came forward again, connecting to Eren’s. There was something in each hue. Something like amusement, but much deeper. Acceptance, perhaps. Levi’s mouth opened.

But it was Erwin who spoke first. “I’ll coach you.”

Eren practically jumped, standing from the bench, the legs squeaking against the tile. “Really? I don’t want to be a bother, but really? Will you?”

He didn’t see the look of disappointment on Levi’s face. Eren was oblivious to signs of interest, as they were rarely pointed at himself.

“Yeah, why not? You’re good. You’re eager. There’s no reason to say no.”

And so that’s how it had begun. A coach and his student, two excellent pianists, a brother who’d lost his chance at something amazing. Their relationship didn’t start for about another month, around the time Eren’s mother died. 

That was his life. Happiness to despair; a chain of events that left him lost. And soon, he’d be nothing but a ghost among people, a broken shell of a once eager boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, I didn't expect to update again within 24 hours! Yet here I am, haha. I have a TON more I wanted to add in this chapter, but I'm just trying to savor each idea I have and take it slow. I don't want to bombard my readers with too much at once. For now, I'm mostly just including past events as a sort of basis for the plot, but it's still extremely essential to the story. In this chapter, you get little hints of Levi's behavior towards Eren, and his opinion of him, but nothing is said outright. I like that. Everyone in this story is always holding things in. It's what makes for good pain. Yay! Also, I mention a few things here and there (like Eren's mother's death and why he owes Erwin, or Levi/Erwin's past), but don't worry. Everything will be revealed in good time.
> 
> Anyways, more Levi/Eren alone time next chapter. When will Levi start to notice? Hmm, let's see...
> 
> BTW, thanks for the kudos/comments, guys! They really mean a lot.


	3. A Meadow of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sleepover and the piano.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... three chapters in three days. Someone stop me (but don't, because I love writing this story, and I am so eager to share the future of this plot with you guys).
> 
> I forgot to mention this before, but music is a big part of getting into the story. At least, for me it is. For the first chapter I would suggest Hurts Like Heaven by Coldplay (haha, that's a given, though). Chapter two was Johann Sebastian Bach’s Prelude in C Major. For this chapter, I would really really love it if you guys listened to the piano piece. It's Debussy Arabesque No. 1. Really gets you in the ambience and feel of the chapter.
> 
> Spoilers for Scream up ahead! I mean, it's been like twenty years since it came out, but still. 
> 
> Also, implied/suggested Armin and Jean in this chapter. I wasn't sure if I was going to go through with this side plot, but I ended up doing it. I'll add their names to the tags for the story.

Eren not only learns what sets Erwin off, but he begins to learn how to act around him.

His natural naivety and oblivion are the wrong ways to react when the other claims Eren’s done wrong. Confusion is irritating, too. Acting like he’s innocent whenever Erwin gets angry is the absolute worst thing he can do. Apologies are a must. Crying is a no (not that he has cried, hasn’t for years, but still… he knows he can’t). Acceptance is also good. If he gets mad at Erwin, it only brings more hate. The faster he accepts it, the faster it’s over.

Fear has begun to plague him.

It’s a slow feeling. Like the seasons, spring and summer are happy. Those first few months are spent brilliantly, laughter and dates and kissing and love. Fall is the beginning of fear. Soft winds, bruising his skin. Leaves that fall far from the tree. Colors change. The temperature decreases. And then come those last few months. Winter. Cold and brazen and lonely. The air nips at him with loathing and resentment. Erwin’s smiles turn frosted. Everything seems fake. Everything seems to suffocate him. It’s a cycle, one that will never circle back to those happy days of spring. No. Eren’s stuck in an eternal winter.

But the fear keeps him alive. It tells him how to act, how to cringe, how to clench his muscles with every hit to deflect as much as he can. He can’t physically defend himself. Erwin would only grow angrier… only hit him more for denying his punishment. But the fear teaches him survival. It teaches him to grow hushed about what’s happening. 

He continues to produce love. It’s all he has left. Not happiness, not despair. Nothing but a withered hand, grasping for the love they once had, hoping it saves him in the end.

 

Eren had to reschedule his movie night with his two best friends. _The reservations for dinner were extremely hard to get_ , he tells them, and they completely understand. Erwin and Eren go out for dinner and have a nice night, one that only has a single soft, mumbled threat. 

“Hide your wrist for a few days. You don’t need unnecessary questions.”

Eren nods, and the subject is dropped. Erwin doesn’t hit him that night, and doesn’t for a few more days. They eat happily, Erwin treating him to steak and vegetables and a delicious brownie dessert, vanilla ice cream on top. They hold hands the whole way home. Eren tells him he loves him, and Erwin returns the words. It’s not the first time they’ve said it.

Erwin lets him reschedule with his friends, and Eren pretends it’s because his boyfriend cares and wants him to have fun. Something in the pit of his stomach, though, tells him he just doesn’t want to be suspected by those close to the younger male. So about a week later, Eren’s in his dorm room, snuggled up on his bed with Armin and Mikasa. He has to text Erwin back within ten minutes of each text, or his partner gets angry. His friends hiss at him to stop texting, but he just laughs and shushes them, pretending he’s just too head over heels to deny his boyfriend’s texts.

They watch the first Scream movie, a classic that has been parodied so much due to its brilliance. Armin jumps a few times, and while Eren usually jumped during scary movies, he’s seen this one way too much to be scared. Plus, it’s more of a mystery than a thriller. Mikasa barely blinks throughout the whole thing, most likely bored, but happy to be snuggled up to her boys.

“I knew it!” Armin yelps when the climax hits. “I knew it was Billy and Stu! Lil’ shits, I tell you.”

Eren chuckles at this, knowing Armin _didn't_ know who the killer was, as he’d been guessing wrong throughout the whole movie. But he didn’t say anything. 

When the movie’s over and the credits role, Armin presses pause, not in the mood to listen to the background music. There’s only a small nightlight on, leaving the dorm room illuminated and dim. The bowl of popcorn only has kernels left, and there’s three empty cartons of Yoohoo’s.

Mikasa, who’s in the middle, sighs and leans back against the wall. Armin and Eren are quiet, suddenly sleepy in the arms of their best friend, and they rest along her crossed legs, burying their heads in her lap.

This is how they’ve always been. This was the last little string of mirth Eren had, and he held onto it like a lifeline. So comfortable with these two people, enough to sleep with them (platonically, of course), or change in front of them, or tell them everything.

Well, almost everything.

It the comfortable silence of the room, Armin is the first to talk.

“I like a boy.”

Mikasa hums, and Eren barely blinks. The news is… well, new. But it’s not unexpected. It’s not some big revolution. It’s not some life-changing epiphany. It doesn’t change who Armin is. So why overreact?

“His name’s Jean. He’s really sweet. Told some douche-bag to fuck off when he was bothering me. I mean, he could just be friendly, but he gave me this knowing smile, and… I don’t know. I could have a chance, I think. 

Armin spoke of him like they didn’t know who he was. Mikasa and Eren shared a glance before smirking. Mikasa spoke first. “Armin. We all had Anthropology with Jean fall semester. Remember?”

“O-Oh, right.”

“He’s that frat brother, right?” Eren asked.

“Well, y-yeah, but he’s really nice, I promise!”

They both laughed, and Eren spoke first. “Do you think we wouldn’t approve or something? I’ve seen plenty of brothers who’re nice. I mean, some are dicks, but he seems cool. As long as he doesn’t break your heart, I’m good.”

Mikasa nodded. He knew if anyone hurt Armin, Mikasa would be the first to break their face. Armin sighed in relief, smiling up at the ceiling, as if he’s been holding this in. “I just want a good relationship like you, Eren,” the blond mused. “The way Erwin looks at you… the way he loves you… you’re so lucky.”

Eren could only close his eyes, keeping his breath steady. He was ridiculously calm in situations like these. He pretended he wasn’t there. Like a ghost, having nothing to say of the compliment, barely living. But they were waiting for a comment, for an expression of love, and Eren just laughed because his friend was right. He _was_ loved. 

“He spends too much money on me,” the brunette commented, sighing. Like this was his only concern.

Armin rolled his eyes, and Mikasa flicked him in the forehead. “Be grateful.”

And he was grateful. That’s why he didn’t say anything about it.

When they finally got up to sleep properly, Eren changed into a t-shirt, taking off his large hoodie. Unfortunately, Armin caught sight of an ugly bruise on his abdomen. He’d gotten it a few days after their dinner date. A stupid argument. He’d barely remembered it was there.

“Oi, Eren, that’s a sick bruise. What happened?”

The boy laughed. He found that was his best act. False leisure. False joy. Like a teenage boy who had no cares in the world.

“I fell while skateboarding to class.”

Mikasa shook her head. “I told you to be careful with that.”

Eren shot her a playful grin, but that was all. No one else questioned the wound. And why would they?

Erwin was perfect.

 

Another day, in Erwin’s apartment, the two were cuddling on his bed. The older settled kisses along his torso, hands on his thighs, humming with hunger. When he reached over to his nightstand, a groan elicited his throat. Eren raised an eyebrow.

“I’m out of condoms.”

Eren didn’t mind the statement. He liked sex with Erwin, as it was usually gentle, and he loved him, but… with every wound, his body grew sore. With every wound, it was becoming harder and harder to hide his fear in exchange for attraction. With every wound came an act, and sex was becoming a part of the show.

“I’m gonna run to the store. Need cigarettes, anyways.”

The freshman didn’t know when Erwin had started smoking, but it had definitely been recently. Sometimes they’d meet, and his boyfriend would stink of the smell. Eren said nothing of it. Complaints were unacceptable. Instead he just nodded.

“Stay in the room, okay? Don’t come out for anything.”

Again, Eren nodded. He knew Erwin hated leaving him alone in the apartment when his brother was there, but he also hated bringing Eren out for short trips. _You slow me down,_ the older often told him, and Eren just agreed. It was true. He’d always been a bit lazy, often lagging behind.

When Erwin left, though, boredom only sat on his shoulders. He was always rebellious. Always curious, always wandering. He’d been so free before dating Erwin. And while rebellion frightened him, not knowing how far his boyfriend would go to paralyze his freedom, the brunette was sometimes willing to push his limits. Just to see.

So when the grand piano in their giant loft suddenly rang with a few keys, Eren headed out, watching as Levi stared at the sheet music before him.

After they began dating and Erwin joined the football team, the blond had stopped coaching him. They’d stopped playing, and Eren, too preoccupied with death and sadness and love, hadn’t felt like it. The sensation and craving had left his fingertips.

But hearing Levi press into the keys, even if they were single, drawn-out presses, as if he were testing the keyboard, made Eren want to not only listen, but play. He came up behind him, looking at the sheet music and wondering why Levi was frowning.

“Debussy, huh?”

Levi jumped, cursing loudly and turning to glance at brunette. It felt like they hadn’t spoken in ages, but it had only been a few weeks of mumbled hellos and frightened goodbyes. Levi had assumed the boy feared his personality. He would have never guessed how wrong he was.

This was dangerous, but still. Eren was curious. It was this natural curiosity that often destroyed him.

“Don’t fuckin’ do that when I’m deep in thought.”

Eren laughed. Gentle. Light. Somehow genuine, even in this disguise. “Sorry. I heard the piano and got interested. Haven’t played in awhile.”

Something on Levi’s face shifted. Not sorrow, but a wistful curl of disappointment. Like not hearing notes from Eren’s smooth digits was a tragedy. 

“Yeah, well. Don’t do it again.” When Eren just stood there, Levi sighed. “I’m practicing, so piss off.” It was difficult to concentrate with the boy standing there.

Instead, Eren sat down, forcing Levi to scoot over on the bench. “What the fu-?”

Eren looked at him with dread. With determination. With nostalgia and yearning. So many emotions that Levi couldn't possibly understand. Not right now. “Play with me.”

The other only watched him, no visible shift on his features. Something about Eren’s voice told him that saying no would break him. That the piano would stitch him up and heal him again. Levi turned back to the piano. It had been almost impossible to get ig into this damn loft, but in front of the wide, open windows and the afternoon sun, the scene was almost too perfect. And something within Levi, something within this friendless, quiet senior, was so goddamn eager to accept the offer.

So he did. Eren nodded, turning to the piano and glancing at the sheet music. It was Debussy, Arabesque No. 1. He didn’t ask why Levi had been frowning at it before he’d interrupted. Instead, he laid his fingers on the keys at his side, watching the black haired male do the same. Eren nodded and started, Levi’s fingers pressing with his moments later.

The piece started out soft. Something about it was like grass beneath your back, relaxed in a meadow. The sun was on his face. Fingers were in his hair. Kisses pressed against his cheeks. The piece sounded like happiness. It was the closest to the feeling Eren had gotten in months, and ironically enough, the same could be said for Levi. They played, the smooth, smooth tapping of fingers, eyes closed in the lazy song. Each key, each sound, was a soothing voice that told him it would be okay. And he believed that voice. He held onto it it, refusing to let go.

They played, a leisure piece of solitude, together in that living room. Quiet. Comfortable.

When the piece ended, Eren couldn’t see Levi staring at him because his eyes were closed, soaking in the happiness that had so quickly ended. 

When Eren opened his eyes again, a sincere and grand smile stretched across pink lips. It would be his last genuine smile for a long time. Levi stared at it, even though it was too bright. Even though it almost blinded him.

“Thank you.” Said on a last breath, absolute appreciation settled in his voice. As if that piece had been his salvation.

When Eren got up, he considered asking Levi not to tell Erwin he’d been out here. But that would only cause suspicion and questions, and that was the last thing Eren wanted to do. This was his own problem, and if he received consequences, then it was his own fault.

So he went back into the room without another word, and when Erwin came back a few minutes later, he glanced at Levi, settling a bottle of Fiji Water in front of him. Levi said thanks, looking up at his brother from the piano bench.

“Was Eren out here?” Erwin asked, a light tone to his voice.

Levi answered leisurely. Not knowing; not seeing. “Yeah, for a bit. Why?”

“Hmm.” It was Erwin’s only reply. Like a hum of thought. Like a hum of disagreement. He walked back to the room without replying to Levi.

From that night on, Erwin and Eren stopped having gentle sex. Just another punishment. Just another thing the boy would have to accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! Lots of little things happening. I think my favorite thing about writing is the little details. Like, Levi's character being Yoshi in Mario Kart, or Levi liking Fiji Water because any other water is probably just... not suitable for him. Ahaha.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys don't mind the short-ish lengths of the chapters. Short chapters means more chapters and quicker updates. Plus, this is all that I felt should go in the chapter, and putting more in just to be 'lengthy' would be a silly thing to do as a writer.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos and comments, btw!! Those comments really keep me going, oh gosh. They give me so much motivation to keep writing more, so thank you a ton.
> 
> Next chapter... possibly how Eren and Erwin started dating. More confusion from Levi (that poor boy is so lost). See you all soon!


	4. The Shell of a Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A history, suspicions, and a cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah!! Thanks so much for 100+ kudos, you guys. It means so much, and as always, so do those comments. I was legitimately holding my cheeks and giggling yesterday while reading those comments. Thanks a ton.
> 
> I seem to have a tradition going on. I wake up, I bathe, I make coffee, I write a chapter. This has been going on for four days. I don't want to slow down... let's see how long I keep up with it, ahaha.
> 
> Anyways, things are building up in this chapter! Have fun!

When Eren’s mom died, he didn’t do much. The thought process, or perhaps grief, was an odd thing. Reacting to events was always so difficult, especially to someone who lived trying to spread his happiness. Usually, anger was the first thing that reached him. He was a boy with a short temper, sometimes boiling over and taking out his emotions on those around him. Other times, he was incredibly optimistic, looking at things in a positive light.

But death? Death was different.

Numbness, or detachment, had been quite a surprise. Everyone had expected him to react violently. To sob and grow overwhelmed with emotions. To cry over her grave and sit there for days. But grief to this extent was never predictable. Reactions didn’t subject to a person’s personality. Reactions were sporadic and the mind was hard to understand.  
So when Eren didn’t cry, a lot of people were worried. He didn’t eat, either, nor did he sleep or talk much. He was just kind of there, living but not living. It went on for a week, his malnourishment completely destroyed, until the day of the funeral.

Erwin and Levi were kind enough to attend the funeral, along with Armin and Mikasa, and a few other friends from school. Mostly it was his mother’s friends. They all paid their respects in a small gathering, and thankfully no one asked Eren to speak at the wake, because he wouldn’t have been able to, anyways.

The Smith brothers kept talking in hushed voices, shooting Eren worried glances as he drank whiskey quietly. Levi's eyebrows were furrowed, and it looked more like Erwin was trying to calm him down. Telling him it was fine... that Eren would recover eventually. When Mikasa asked him if he was okay, he’d just nod and slump his head against her shoulder. He was a shell of a person (and he would realize soon that this was how he’d react to grief, or pain, for the rest of his life).

He’d heard someone ask him about school at some point, but Armin just shook his head at them. University was not a subject he wanted to think about. Without his mother’s support, which had been minimal and small in the first place, he’d be unable to go back. The dorm, the meal plan, the tuition, the groceries, the textbooks. Even if he got his own job, it was impossible. There was too much debt, and there would continue to be more if he went back. It was something he’d accepted in that week of grief. No more school. No more education.

In his mother’s house, the house where he grew up, where her hands ruffled his hair and she kissed his cheeks and she cooked him dinner, in this house where her scent still lingered, Eren felt his grief overwhelm him. It sat on his shoulders and ate away at him until he excused himself and went to his room.

Eventually, the sounds of the house quieted, and the wake ended. He didn’t know who stayed and who left, but eventually there was a knock at his door. Of course, the brunette didn’t answer, and when the person entered, they were quiet, too.

Erwin gave him a small smile as he closed the door behind him. The light wasn’t on, but the curtains were open, revealing a soft glow from the moon and those orange street lights. Eren sat on the edge of his bed, fingers unmoving in his lap, head bent to stare at them. The blond sat beside him, the bed creaking gently under his large frame. Erwin was extremely tall. Handsome and well-built; brilliant blue eyes coating his gaze. Eren was appreciative of his appearance… it was aesthetically pleasing.

It was only when Erwin reached over silently to grasp the youth’s fingers that he noticed his own hands had been shaking. A hand cupped beneath his chin, tilting his face up, lips pressing into his. It was sudden, but Eren wasn’t surprised. In this moment, in the chill of this room and the aftermath of death, he understood this type of comfort so well.

It was a sweet and soft kiss, somehow pulling him from a realm of pain. Eren’s shaking only grew, feeling the waves of his sorrow come crashing down. He still didn’t cry, nor did he sob, but his shaking was enough to prove the pain. Erwin held him, kissing his eyelids and forehead, stroking his hair like his mother once had. Shushing him and telling him it would be okay.

That night, he had told him something else. Erwin Smith would be taking care of his university expenses.

_I wouldn’t dare let talent like you go to waste, Eren. You’re too smart to leave school._

And with something as simple as that, he had been saved.

 

 

In the seventh month of dating, things began to crumble apart.

On a quiet day in March, Erwin and Eren had fought more than they had in a long time. It had been over something as small as Eren talking back, but once the argument began, it was impossible to calm the blond down. He’d gotten the younger boy to the floor, kicked him in the shin and thigh, and had accidentally broken skin with the heel of his shoe. Apologies afterwards had been grand. Erwin held him all night. He’d let Eren pick the movie, brought him junk food, and catered to his every wish.

But the kind treatment didn’t take away the pain in his legs.

So the next day, when Eren found an orange and black kitten meowing on campus, lost and scared and shivering in the chill of late spring, the brunette couldn’t help but take him to Erwin’s place. Where else would he take it? His dorm room was out of the question, and while the brothers certainly wouldn’t want a cat, it was the only place Eren could think of. Plus, he figured Erwin owed him. With the events from yesterday, he expected to still be in the stage of presents and love and kindness and apologies.

But he wasn’t all too thrilled about it.

“Seriously, Eren? You can’t just bring strays to the apartment! Who’s going to take care of him?”

“I will! I’ll come over every day just to take care of it. I’ll finally get a job and buy its food. She won’t even bother you.”

Erwin leveled his gaze at him. “You know Levi has OCD. Are you just going to make him uncomfortable like that?”

Eren froze, suddenly feeling guilty. Levi, who was quietly eating sushi at the table, glanced up. “I don’t mind.” He was always silent during their little arguments, not once stepping in, so Eren only blinked at him with surprise.

Erwin almost sneered at him, but held it back, instead raising an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?”

Levi nodded. “I like cleaning anyways, and it gets dull around here.” That was the only explanation he provided before going back to his meal, chopsticks between his fingers.

Eren glanced at him, bright emerald eyes begging. Erwin narrowed his eyes at his brother before looking down at his boyfriend. “Well, he doesn’t get to decide, anyways.”

“Erwin.” His tone was steady. Not demanding, because he knew that would make him angry. But desperate. Eager. Soft. “Please.”

The blond sighed, throwing up his hands. “Fine, whatever, keep the damn thing here. But I’m not responsible.” He started walking back to the room. “I’m gonna piss, then we’ll go to the store for food, okay?”

Eren sighed in relief, calling out to Erwin as he walked back into the room. “Thank you, Erwin. Seriously. I owe you.” He always, always owed him. 

When Erwin was in the bathroom, Eren turned to Levi, leveling him with a look that could have been a smile, if he still had the ability to show happiness. But he didn’t, so the stare came out a bit too blank. “Hey, thank-” With one step forward, he grimaced before gasping, legs almost withering beneath him before the brunette found his balance again. The kicks the day prior were still horrendous, his whole leg practically swollen and beaten, and while he tried his best not to show his pain, there were times when he forgot to keep his guard up.

“Jaeger?” Levi was standing, eyebrows crinkled.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I hit my leg on my desk yesterday.” The youth laughed. “I’m too goddamn clumsy.”

Levi was still watching him, frown deepened, when Erwin and Eren left.

 

It was the next day that fucked everything up. If only he could’ve been better at holding in the pain, at keeping his mouth shut… then perhaps nothing would have changed.

Eren was waiting near a parking lot at their university. Class had just ended, and Mikasa and Armin were keeping him company before Erwin came to pick him up.

“So, Jean told me he liked my beanie today. Then we started talking about some party this weekend. I’m not too sure if he invited me. I mean, that kind of seems like an invite, right? Oh, god, was he flirting with me? Was I-?”

Eren wasn’t listening. He never listened anymore, even though he tried his best. The fear with knowing that Erwin was coming to pick him up sat on him, fingers twitching in his lap, uncomfortable. He was relapsing into what he was when his mom had died. A shell of a person, barely there.

Last night, Erwin had chastised him, barely speaking to him. He’d spent each minute in fear of a raised fist, but it had never come. The air had been tense, but the cat had thankfully kept him company. She was precious, barely crying, always rubbing against his legs or arms. They’d bonded already. Her name was Luna, like the moon.

Now, he waited impatiently (yet patiently) for his boyfriend to arrive. Each day, Eren only lived in wait for sleep to come. At least in sleep, he was free of fear. For a few hours, he was peaceful.

When their jeep rolled up to the sidewalk, he could see Levi in the passenger seat. He knew the brothers only had one car despite their riches. Considering they went to the same university and shared a home, though, they didn’t really need two cars. It only meant that sometimes they had to drive around together.

The jeep was nice and sleek. It was black and thankfully had actual doors, instead of the jeeps with plastic windows. Upon seeing them, with his friends gossiping about boys in the background, Eren quickly jumped up from the bench. He wasn’t eager, but he knew that each minute he wasted in Erwin’s presence only annoyed him.

But perhaps jumping up so quickly on minimal-working legs wasn’t ideal. Immediately, he came crashing down, the bruised and beaten leg giving him no chance against its weak state. He cursed, hands scratching the pavement to catch himself, Armin yelping mid-sentence as he did so. Mikasa immediately bent to pick him up, asking what was wrong. A few meters away, he heard the car doors open and slam shut, feet rushing over to his side. And one pair of feet, belonging to Levi… so slow. Slow and cautious while he walked up, some unnamed dread filling him as everyone hovered over the brunette.

“Eren? Babe, babe, what’s wrong?” It was Erwin helping him up, a too-tight grip on his arm. A warning. A pre-caution.

“Shit, sorry guys,” Eren laughed, shaking his head. He looked up at Erwin, and their eyes connected with silent truths. But Eren was becoming a great liar, and his shows were becoming one-of-a-kind. “I fell on my skateboard the other day. Guess my legs haven’t forgiven me yet.”

Erwin shook his head. “Jeez, Eren. I told you to quite skateboarding! You’re always hurting yourself.”

Mikasa nodded, and Armin laughed, helping as everyone gave him physical support. “Yeah. Sorry Eren, but your skating is shit. Quit worrying everyone.”

But there was one person who was just staring intently, and Eren inwardly cringed. He’d forgotten the excuse he’d given Levi the day before. It was unlike him to slip up on a story. He hoped the black-haired male wouldn’t mention it, and instead lightly shook everyone off. A hand slipped into Erwin’s. “Pfft, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll be careful, I swear. I just gotta stop attempting tricks when I know I can’t pull them off.”

Eventually, everything got sorted, and Eren said bye to his friends, waving his hands. The three got in the car, Erwin telling the boy to be more careful, though most of the ride was silent, only the radio humming between them.

When they got back, Levi had to take the Jeep with him to an afternoon class, and he left. Eren, exhausted and in pain, was given permission to take a nap on Erwin’s bed. 

He woke up groggy, and for some reason, incredibly nervous. The room was dark and all too quiet. Erwin wasn’t inside with him, which was weird. Even if he wasn’t tired, he always followed for a nap, eager to cuddle what he’d claimed was ‘his’.

As Eren stepped out of the room rubbing his eyes, he noticed blond hair on the couch. Immediately, he came up behind his boyfriend to place a kiss on the back of his head. It was almost sickening to him by now, but the freshman was greatly accustomed to the things he was suppose to do.

Erwin mumbled a hello in reply, and Eren came around to sit with him, though he paused, glancing around in yearning for the little ball of fluff.

“Hey, where’s Luna?”

Erwin shrugged. “Not sure.”

Eren hummed lightly to himself, looking around for the kitten. But the apartment was sleek, and most doors were always shut. There were barely any hiding spots for her. He checked under the table and the couch, but she was no where to be seen. A sinister dread filled his chest, crushing his lungs and burdening each step he took. 

“Erwin…”

“I told you, she’s not my responsibility.”

Teeth bit into his lip, killing the urge to scream out and demand the whereabouts of his cat. Hands curled into fists by his side.

“Where is she?” Eren mumbled in question, begging himself not to lose his temper. 

“I may have left the front door open, so I’m not too sure.”

“Erwin!” His voice came out betrayed and raw, clawing for something other than this ugly truth.

The blond's hands slammed on coffee table, and he stood, absolute anger and domination burning behind each blue hue. “I told you she’s not my fuckin’ responsibility, Eren!” He came around the couch, and Eren almost shrunk away, but he willed himself not to. “This is what you get when you go around acting like some goddamn victim. Falling in front of everyone, Eren? Really? Could you be more fucking obvious? I’ve told you again and again to be careful about that shit!”

Eren told himself to shut up, to just apologize and back down, but god. He really couldn’t. Not when his protective nature got the best of him. “But why take it out on the cat? It’s raining, for god’s sake! Take it out on _me_!”

“She’s not good for you, Eren!” They were yelling, voices raised. “You don’t need more things to love! I’m all you need."

“Who told you that was your decision to make?!”

Erwin’s fist slammed down without remorse. It cracked against his cheek and eye, blurring his vision. For a second, the boy thought he was blind. Pain burst inside his face, like a fire clawing at his olive skin. A gasp, or a short cry, elicited from his throat. He fell to the floor, holding his face in his palm. With the pain in his leg, and the explosion behind his eye, he barely felt he had control over his own body.

“What do you mean, 'my decision to make'?” He bent down to grab Eren by the collar. “I fucking _OWN_ you, Eren. Did you forget that, when that mouth of yours was spewing off? I’m the only one that loves you. I take care of you. Are you just gonna throw me away like I haven’t done everything for you? God, you can be so goddamn selfish, you know that?”

Eren was shaking. If he could cry, he probably would have right then and there. His heart felt heavy. His palms reached out to lightly wrap around Erwin’s wrists, thumbs rubbing against his skin as if to calm him. His face felt swollen, almost as bad as his leg. He assumed it probably looked ugly shades of blue or purple by now.

The guilt was always there when Erwin spoke to him like this. Mostly because his boyfriend was right. Why should he talk back, when Erwin always took care of him? He was acting like a spoiled brat. He didn’t deserve someone who was so good to him… who gave him everything. So what if he hit him? That seemed like a small price to pay.

“I'm yours, Erwin. You know that. I won’t leave you… you know I love you. I love you, okay? I’d, shit… I’d be nothing without you. I know that.” Erwin’s breathing seemed to calm down as Eren spoke, his words smooth and gentle and attempting forgiveness. But his heart was cold. His eyes were dull. Empty. Nothing was there. “But she’s just a kitten. Please. Please, Erwin.” He reached up, kissing the blond’s lips, murmuring again and again those begging words, pleading with him. Everything hurt, mentally and physically. But he’ll be damned if he let an innocent animal suffer when HE was the one who deserved to get punished.

Erwin sighed, pulling them both up. He went into the room and came back out with a hoodie.

“Put this on. No one needs to see that shit on your face. Hide it well.” He sat back on the couch. “If you find her, then it’s fine. Be back by midnight, though.”

Eren yanked the hoodie over his body, cringing as the material rubbed his face. He pulled the hood over his head, and without another word, he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of victims of domestic abuse usually feel guilty or like it's their fault, and that's definitely Eren. I want to get it across that he's not 'victimizing' himself, or self-pitying, or anything like that. This is just how many significant others train their victims to feel. Erwin has Eren seriously believing that he owes him his life, but on his road to recovery, Eren has to realize that it was just money and comfort, and that he doesn't really owe Erwin anything. But in these situations, admitting your significant other was in the wrong or that they hurt you can be very difficult. So that's why it's a bit more complicated then just standing and saying, "You hurt me and I'm leaving you." People fight for love sometimes, even if we can all see that it's unhealthy and not fair. But don't worry. We always get a happy ending.
> 
> And, next chapter!! More Levi and Eren alone time. That black eye is gonna be a problem. Eren's seriously reaching a breaking point. Levi's suspicion is a slow build, probably because Eren hides it so well.
> 
> I'm saving something really big for chapter six. So stay tuned!


	5. The Moon and the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search and a touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again! Day five, ready to kick it with the fifth chapter. With this chapter, we are back to a present-time storytelling. That's exciting news cause present time can only mean development! Yay!
> 
> Thank you again to everyone who leaves me positive comments! Honestly, they make me laugh and giggle and hide and they immediately motivate me to write the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> Listen to some rain sounds over at rainymood while reading this chapter. It really conveys the ambience. 
> 
> PS, I'm serious when I say Eren is a cat person. Like. He is guardian and ruler of all cats.

The rain was ridiculous. Strong, pouring without mercy, never-ending. Thunder boomed in the distance, far from him, but still cruel. It was heavy, the water dragging his feet down, but the youth was persistent. There was no time to stop for an umbrella when his pet could have been getting farther away. The idea to pause, to talk to anyone, just seemed ridiculous.

He kept his hood on tight, hoping no one noticed or gave him strange looks. The university wasn’t far, and before Eren noticed, he’d walked the whole way there in his search.  
Rain scattered beneath street lights. Trees branched around the buildings where his classes usually took place. The city was loud in the background, but his campus was quiet. Night was dawning, it was raining, and no one wanted to be roaming around at school longer than they needed to be.

Ankle-high black army boots were not the right shoe-wear for storms. He tried to avoid every puddle he found, but eventually socks were soaked with water, and he was cringing with every footstep. Similarly, every drop of water that hit his face (and every time he stood too hard on one leg), Eren was forced to pause and cringe, trying to rearrange himself. But the pain only kept coming.

In the midst of an empty campus, Eren felt himself call out.

“Luna!” Little cat-calling sounds escaped his mouth. “ _Luna!_ ”

Which was stupid, he realized as he called out, because he’d had the cat for a day, and there was no way she recognized her own name. Nor was there any way of knowing she’d be here, a whole half-mile from the apartment. 

But at the same time, something in him knew. When Eren himself got lost, he always grasped for what he knew. Always, he kept coming back to Erwin, too scared of change. Too scared of something different; something that could be better for him. Perhaps the cat was the same… coming back to what she originally knew in a time of panic and confusion.

Or maybe he was hopeless, and the cat was lost forever.

Nevertheless, he was a motivated young guy, and he wandered for another twenty minutes, still calling out her name.

It was only when he thought of the exact spot where he’d first found her, that he actually heard the murmured meows, soft cries under the showering sky.

She blended into the tree, making it almost impossible to see her. Thankfully, the tree was large, leaves covering a large percent of the heavy rain. Still, her fur looked wet, and her tiny claws were pawing at the bark, as if she were attempting to climb and bury herself in the comfort of the branches. But she was too small. Too frightened. Alone and crying for help.

“Luna, luna, shh.” Eren was quick to hold out his arms, showing her that he wasn’t here to hurt but rather, to help. The kitten glanced at him wearily before bounding over, damp fur pressing into his outstretched palm, and body vibrating with soft internal purrs. 

Hands grip her tiny sides and suddenly she’s in his palms again, and _goddamnit_ , he could honestly cry with the relief he feels. But he only nuzzles her face, kissing her fur and thanking some higher power that this little miracle, at the very least, hadn’t turned to shit like everything else.

But she’s still crying from the rain, and he curses under his breath. The walk home is too far, and by then she’d be drenched. So for now he can only sit her in his hoodie, holding the cloth up so that she doesn’t fall. He sees a few stairs leading into a building and decides to take cover under the overhang of the door. There’s a small, dim light on the outside of the wall, and it’s not enough for him to stop feeling spooked, but he’s grateful for it, at least. The lights inside, as far as Eren can see, are shut off. Everything’s quiet but the kiss of rain against the sidewalk. 

So the youth sits. With the cat hopefully warm in his cold, damp hoodie, he sits on the top step, knees bent and feet on the step below him. He feels the cat nudge into his stomach, and a long sigh falls from his throat. His leg is mad at him for walking so much, and his eye is beginning to force his temples to pound with incredibly extreme pain, but he’s relieved, at least, that he’d found her.

About ten minutes pass by before he hears the door to the building open.

Immediately, he scoots over on the stairs for them to pass, completely shocked that anyone was in there, but praying nonetheless that they’d leave him alone.

But the hoodie that he’s wearing is recognizable to a certain someone, and behind him, that someone is tilting their head in curiosity and confusion.

“.... Eren?”

_Oh._

**No**. Anyone else. Anyone else but him.

He doesn’t turn to look, but he sees the long arm of an umbrella beside him, as if Levi were just getting ready to open it against the heavy rain. The boy feels himself laugh. It’s becoming a habit to start each lie with laughter.

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was still in the building.” Actually, he hadn’t realized the building was even unlocked, or he would have taken him and Luna inside.

“Yeah. I was practicing a bit after my late classes.” 

Eren raised his eyebrows. “You have a piano at home, though.” Why practice on campus when you can go home and lounge after classes were over?

Levi pauses for a long moment. “Not everyone at home wants to hear my playing.”

The freshman’s frown deepens. It was true that at some point this year, Erwin had grown a bitter feeling towards the piano. After giving it up to play football and throwing himself into the major, the subject of music had become extremely touchy. Eren had asked him numerous times to play with him, but eventually the subject wore out, and Eren, too, stopped playing.

The boy shook his head, a light tone to his voice. So different from the rain, which was overwhelming and tough. The words came out a bit too fragile. “He might claim he doesn’t like it, but no one would be unhappy hearing you play, Levi.” It was almost humorous thinking about it. That piano playing was only capable of bringing other’s joy. 

There was a long pause after that, Eren still facing forward and away from the other, when the cat popped out from his hoodie and meowed at him.

“Luna?” Levi asked, and Eren couldn’t help feel bad for all the confusion he was subjected to. Never quite grasping. Always somehow out of the loop. But Eren needed it to stay that way. For some reason, the idea of Levi getting into their business crushed him. That’s why he was full of little, harmless lies. He breeded them like they were truth.

“Yeah, she got out. Lil’ punk.” His voice was breathless. Visibly relieved. Which wasn’t a lie, at least.

“How’d she get out?”

It was a good question, and Eren was beginning to wonder it himself. Maybe Erwin had opened the door, sat the cat outside, and closed the door behind her. Maybe he’d driven Luna to the university himself. Maybe he really had just ‘left the door open’, and she’d found her way all the way back here. Either way, he didn’t mention any of it aloud.

“I left the stupid door open. But she’s safe now, so.. that’s all that matters.”

He felt silence beat on him, miserable in the uncomfortable quiet, eager to stomp it out and walk away. Something felt tense on Levi’s form, but he couldn’t pinpoint it. There was another long pause, this one more outstretched than the last, before words coated his ears, gentle and smooth over the rainfall.

“Jaeger. Look at me.”

It only made the younger male tighten his hold on the hood around his face, pulling it more over his forehead, practically folding into himself on the steps. He held the kitten close to him, suddenly terrified. Erwin had told him not to let anyone see. He couldn’t stomach the idea of Levi looking at him like this- beaten and hurt and exhausted and drained. He didn’t want to look at him with those dead eyes. He wanted to be bright for him (though he wasn’t consciously sure WHY he wanted to be bright for him). He wanted to keep up the facade a little bit longer.

Fingers touched his shoulder, and soon someone’s body heat was falling beside him. Levi had joined him on the step, and Eren had to face the complete opposite direction, now blatantly avoiding him.

“Show me.”

It took a minute of coaxing, but eventually Levi’s hand had soothed the position of Eren’s chin towards him, forcing their gazes to connect. The senior student looked like he was about to vomit, and he didn’t think that was because of the bruising over his eye. No, Levi didn’t just look sick with disgust… he looked torn apart. This. This was true despair, and Eren instantly regretted that he had not just run away, hiding this blackening eye away from him forever.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, looking down the whole time, refusing to look at the older. “Some stupid asshole called me a prick, so I hit him, and he hit me, and now I have Luna, and it’s fine, and I’m fine. And it’s good. It’s okay.” He rambled on, probably trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

“Eren…” There was a brokenness to his voice. A voice that Eren had now personally destroyed. He knew what the tone of his name suggested, and he shook his head out of Levi’s grasp, tightening the hold on his hood. Fingers were shaking… clutching at the cloth.

“Don’t.” A whisper. Stern and cold and firm. This hadn’t happened. This wasn’t happening.

He didn’t know what Levi had assumed, but he really hoped he was a bad guesser.

There a few more minutes of silence before Levi opened his umbrella, standing. “C’mon brat,” he started, but his voice was gentle. Silken and healing. “I’ve got the Jeep.”

For a second, Eren wasn’t sure what to do. Following would cause issues. Maybe he’d be forced to confront questions in the car. But Levi was standing, looking down at him like he’d do anything for him in this moment, and Luna was crying and clawing at his shirt, and there really wasn’t plausible reason to say no except for his own stupid fear of change.

He stood, following Levi beneath the umbrella, keeping close. He was still soaked, so it was pointless to waste space beneath the cover when Levi could have all the room, but he was too tired at this point to deny the offer. When they got to the nearest parking lot, Eren looked up with a frown on his face. 

“I’m soaked. I can’t get in yet.” Levi was very particular about everything and anything he owned, and the Jeep was no exception. Even Erwin couldn’t argue with his brother when it came to keeping things straight, clean, and tidy. 

The older male shook his head. “I’ll clean it tomorrow. It doesn’t matter. Just get in, it’s cold.”

Eren stared at the other, then the car door, hesitant. When Levi stood beside him, matching his stare and waiting for him (always, always waiting. As if he wouldn’t dare leave without him), Eren only sighed and got into the passenger side.

He tried his best not to drip all over the place, also trying to save the door from the abundance of raindrops. When Levi turned the ignition on, the first thing he did was try to get the heat going, and they sat for a few moments, trying to collect all the warmth they could get in the frosted spring night. 

The other’s hand finally reached to push the car into reverse, but Eren reached out a hand, grasping his wrist between skeletal fingers.

“Ah, sorry,” he mumbled, hesitant when Levi looked up at him “Can we wait until the rain stops?”

Levi opened his mouth, seemingly about to ask a question, before dawning registered in his eyes. He nodded, leaning back in the driver’s seat. 

Eren was thankful that the other remembered, and that he didn’t have to explain further. The death of his mother had been caused by an accident on a wet road, and the thought of driving in a heavy storm made his toes clench and curl, stomach twisted with nausea.

“Thanks.”

It was funny. He barely spent time with Levi, only alone with him every now and then. And yet whenever he was in his presence, he felt appreciative. Thankful and grateful. Never scared despite his sharp looks and snappy remarks. Sometimes, when the night’s were silent and he was alone with his thoughts, Eren wondered how similar Levi and Erwin truly were. Erwin, who was all smiles and friendliness, had a hidden poison to him. So did it mean that Levi, who was all frowns and unfriendliness, had a hidden kindness to him?

Well, Eren wasn’t too sure how far their parallels went, but he knew Levi. He saw him in the quietest of moments, in the moments that others would say were so unimportant. Soft words here and there. Cautious touches. And Eren knew how everything he said, and everything he did, always rang with support. Levi and Erwin were polar opposites. One a sun, burning and bright and hot, and the other a moon, quiet and still and glowing in the darkness.

They sat like that for a few minutes. The rain was gentle against the windows, Luna already cuddling to his chest as he sat back with exhaustion. Eren’s head was turned to the side, looking outside rather than towards the driver. When it had been quiet for a few minutes, the rain’s kisses oddly comforting, he glanced back over to find Levi staring at him.

Fingers lifted in the silence. Long, lithe digits, belonging to a pianist who made magic. They weren’t shaking. They were still and steady. Dark, hooded eyes were watching him so carefully, like his gaze would break the youth. Finally, fingertips brushed the top of his cheek, smoothing over the bursting bruise beneath his eye. 

Eren let lashes close, soaking in the sense of protection and comfort. There was no meaning to it. No hidden feelings. No secret desires. Just a touch… one of yearning and safety. A touch of pain. A touch of empathy (not sympathy, and never pity).

The rain ceased, and Levi sucked in a short, gentle breath. His hand pulled away, and Eren desperately wanted to pull it back, but he knew he couldn’t. The car was put into reverse, and they backed out, continuing the drive back in peace. When they passed the turn to get to the apartment, Eren opened his mouth in slight panic.

Levi chuckled lightly. “I just thought you’d want some food. How long were you out looking, anyways?”

Eren’s stomach practically rumbled. It had been awhile since he’d been calm enough to actually eat to his heart’s content. “Just an hour.” A slight pause. “Can we get McFlurries?”

Levi gave him a look, like he was much too good for the crap at McDonalds, but he didn’t miss the turn into the greasy fast food joint. Eren almost grinned, but it hurt his face, so he didn’t.

By the end of the trip, they were parked again, this time in the parking lot of the restaurant. Eren had fries, a sandwich, and his vanilla ice cream with oreo toppings. Levi was only sporting a single Mcflurry, his with M&M’s. Eren had forcefully told him to get it. He’d also paid for his own meal after a lot of bargaining (Levi kept insisting he should pay, but Eren kept refusing). He was sick of other’s paying for him. He didn’t want to owe Levi anything. He didn’t want it to feel like one of Erwin’s ‘sweet’ periods, where he was spoiled as a form of healing and forgiveness.

Levi bent down to put his mouth on the spoon, thinking the round utensil was a straw. When he sucked and nothing came out, Eren almost spit out his food, chortling loudly. 

“It’s a spoon… haven’t you had a McFlurry before?”

Levi glared at him, mumbling a soft ‘shut it, brat’, before picking up the spoon. “Sorry that I don’t dine at greasy fast food chains.” But when he took his first bite, candy coating the ice cream, Eren could've sworn he heard a groan of pleasure.

In the end, the youth was full, having even shared a bit of his own Oreo-filled ice cream with the other (which Levi said was just as good… it was like the male had gone through some silent epiphany). They left with full bellies and humor in the air, and while Eren wasn’t outwardly laughing, he was in a state of gentle relief. 

Back in the apartment complex, he stared up at the location of their loft, biting the inside of his cheek. It was an hour or two before midnight, so he wasn’t late. But the nervousness never left.

Oddly enough, Levi also hadn’t asked about the marks on his face, nor did he pressure him into talking about it. Perhaps he’d seen the panic or absolute denial in his eyes. Maybe he was silently fuming, deciding the answers for himself. Eren wasn’t too sure. Either way, he was happy that Erwin’s name hadn’t been brought up yet.

“I’m gonna relax outside with Luna for a few minutes, so you can go on up before me.” He couldn’t enter the apartment at the same time as Levi. That would mean he’d shown Levi his face, and Erwin wouldn’t accept that.

Levi gave him a strange look. Unreadable. But he just nodded and went upstairs. He could only pray that he said nothing about their time together.

A few minutes later, he went upstairs, finding Erwin alone on the couch. He took off his shoes, thankful that he’d mostly dried. He set Luna on the floor and mentally reminded himself to clean her up tonight and keep her warm. Hesitant feet drifted to the couch.

“Hey.” Soft. Careful. Always measuring his own danger. “I’m home.”

Erwin looked at him, and Eren almost sighed in relief. The blond’s eyes were pleading with disgust at himself, and that’s how Eren knew he was in the ‘forgive me’ period. This was the aftermath. This was when Erwin was the nicest.

His boyfriend opened his arms, and Eren rounded the couch, immediately falling into him as requested. Erwin kissed his face, lightly cupping his cheeks and pressing their lips together. A second later, he was burying his head into Eren’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

Eren smoothened his hair. “I know.”

“I love you.” Whispered.

“I know.”

And even though the words and those kisses were gentle, they hurt more than anything.

 

The next week went by uneventful. Levi was giving him more silent stares, like he was digesting everything he saw. He was on the lookout for new bruises, asking him how his leg was and looking away every time Erwin and Eren touched.

Erwin was being gentle and sweet and considerate. He took them to the movies two days from the cat accident. He bought cat food and was always petting Luna. At one point, he even thought he heard the blond whisper an apology to the kitten, but he wasn’t too sure. They watched television and ate dinner together every night. Eren was on edge, waiting for what he felt was inevitable. But when everyday passed and no hits came, he couldn’t help but feel proud of his boyfriend. It was a weird sense of pride, and he couldn’t possibly describe it. But for now, it was nice. His body was slowly healing.

Armin and Mikasa had flipped when they’d seen his face, bruise turning an ugly yellow. When he blamed it on the skateboarding again, trying to laugh it off, Armin had gripped his hand with anger and vengeance.

“ _You aren’t being bullied, are you?_ ”

That was their only conclusion. Not once, even with Mikasa’s deep instincts and overbearing protectiveness, did they guess the true reason for his bruises. And really, who could blame them? Erwin was an ideal significant other. He helped Eren. He kisses Eren gently. He showered him with love and praised him to everyone they met. He held his hand and guided him. There was no sense of maliciousness from the blond athlete. Why would anyone suspect him?

In the end, Mikasa confiscated his skateboard and proclaimed she’d be keeping a serious eye on him. The concern in their faces was evident, and he made a mental note to stop worrying his best friends.

And the lack of physical abuse was really getting his hopes up. For once, he felt that things were going to change. He felt that he would finally stop worrying everyone around him, Levi included. Maybe Erwin had truly changed. This was the longest time he'd gone in the past three months without touching him harshly.

But not all good things last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe you guys know about those silly spoons in the McFlurries, right? I also love that Levi hates fast food, but can't deny that it's yummy. It's great.
> 
> I'll say this now, but if you're uncomfortable with the warnings/triggers in the tags on this fanfic, I suggest you come back in a few chapters from now. Things are only beginning to hit their peek, and I think the true pain is only just starting. Next chapter isn't gonna be fun :'(
> 
> Thanks again for all your support! I keep saying this repetitively, but holy moly, I'm so serious. Those comments and those kudos, man. They really get me pumped. Thanks again!!


	6. Cruel Disposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agony in its truest form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied non-con and drug abuse in this chapter! It is not explicit, but please read at your own discretion. I don't want to make any of my readers uncomfortable.
> 
> Well. I have no excuse for this chapter... have fun reading! I think it's my longest yet, actually.
> 
> Levi's pov up ahead (Well, kind of. More like an all-seeing pov. Does that kind of narration have a name? I'm not sure. Oh well). Enjoy!

“What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s not into boys? What if I embarrass myself?”

“He’d be stupid not to like you, he’s probably into boys, and you always embarrass yourself, so just accept it and move on.”

That was Mikasa’s simple solution to Armin’s pre-party meltdown. They three of them were in the boy’s dorm room, all of them getting dressed and ready for the night.

It was Saturday, and Jean Kirstein was having a huge party off campus. His frat brother’s were helping him, and it was more like a frat party than anything else. His fraternity was known for being pretty nice, and largely diverse. Unlike a lot of other brotherhood’s, this group was pretty kind and generous, and their kindness had made them the most respected and well-liked fraternity on campus. 

The party was suppose to be huge. BYOB, bring your own bottle, was a rule for this particular party. But everyone knew that alcohol would be provided even if you didn’t bring anything. The boy’s from the fraternity were rich, and the house they’d all bought together near the edge of the city was huge. 

Every party that had happened there had gone down in history.

Eren didn’t really want to go, but with Erwin and Armin both begging him (for two different reasons), he had just accepted, too apathetic to care.

He sat on the edge of his bed, looking down into his lap. Shoulders were bent, and his expressions were becoming oddly lifeless. When Mikasa had asked him what was wrong, he’d told her the stress of the semester was beginning to take its toll.

She looked skeptical, but he kept persisting, eventually pushing her into silence. He was glad, at least, that there were no new bruises for her to get suspicious of.

The past week had been a bit like a dream.

The brunette had lived each passing day so unlively. Each movement was like someone else was pulling him. No smile was real, eyes were dulled and empty, and his actions were lethargic. He had once again become a shell of a person.

Armin and Mikasa were beginning to seriously worry.

But after promising them that he’d go out and enjoy himself tonight, they seemed to ease up a bit. They weren’t nosy. The three of them were adults; they were too mature to force each other to tell them what was wrong. 

But they cared about each other more than anything. His two best friends just wanted to make sure he was okay. And that’s why he couldn’t tell them… because his pain was their pain, and it would hurt them just as much as it hurt him. And Eren didn’t want that.

Armin looked in the mirror, smoothing a hand over his clothes. He wore a light blue cashmere sweater and well-fitting brown pants. He looked like he always did. A little bookish. A little reserved. But always cute.

The blond’s breath was hitched as he picked at his hair, trying to swipe it all to one side, then the other, then the other again. 

Mikasa pinched his cheek. “Quit it. You look good, Armin.”

Armin groaned, throwing a glance at Eren before collapsing on the bed beside him, back now on the mattress as he stared up at the ceiling.

“I’m not going.”

This time, Mikasa groaned, but it was more like a troubled sigh. She had on a loose, black high-waisted skirt and a long-sleeved red sweater that lay tucked into the skirt. Her lips were a bright, sultry red. She pulled off the look extremely well.

It took her a minute of staring with narrowed eyes before she went to Eren’s other side and decidedly laid back just like Armin had. Eren, between the two of them, only laid back with them. They all sat like that, gazes on nothing in particular, legs hanging off the edge. 

Eren spoke first. “He’d be an idiot not to like you.”

Armin shuffled beside him, hesitant.

Mikasa chimed in. “And if he doesn’t like you, there’ll be lots of other men to choose from.”

The blond rolled his eyes, mumbling in reply, “But I like _Jean_. I just. I haven’t had a crush in a while.”

The brunette turned to look Armin’s way, watching as his best friend bit at his lip. He’d been so absorbed in his own feelings, he hadn’t realized how head-over-heels the other boy was. 

Eren partially grinned, sitting up and turning around so that he could look at both of them. He sat criss-cross, both hands sprawled on his friend’s stomachs. Armin mumbled something about it tickling, and Mikasa looked at him with a raised brow.

“Now listen. It’s our first year here. Whether this night ends well or not, it doesn’t matter. We got invited to a fraternity party. Armin, you like Jean. Jean is in the fraternity. We’re going. You’ll have us. If he doesn’t like you, we’ll throw Cheetos at his head. Now put on your shoes.”

For a long moment, Armin just stared at him with blue eyes, considering this mini speech. 

Eventually, he leaned up, sighing a redundant, “Fine,” before getting up and putting on shoes.

Mikasa leaned up, patting his shoulder. “Well said.”

Eren nodded and stood. He wore an oversized hoodie and tight jeans. That was all he wore lately, and he surely wasn’t going to get fancy for a party.

He looked at the girl. “Mikasa, you two have a ride, right?” She nodded. “You’ll drive if your carpool is drunk?” Again, she nodded, holding back the roll of her eyes.

“I probably won’t drink, anyways. I’m always the back-up DD.” Designated driver, indeed. She hated getting drunk in crowded places, especially when she much preferred to keep her hawk-like eyes on those she cared about.

He nodded and grabbed his wallet and phone. “I’ll meet you there. Erwin said he wanted to show me something first.”

The other two gave synchronized ‘awes’ before he shook his head, telling them to _shut up_ and giving them both a fast kiss on their heads. He left, glad to have met with them, even if it had only been for thirty minutes.

Much later he wishes he had just left when his friends did.

 

They say that life is unfair, but Levi doesn’t believe that. 

It’s a stupid saying. He never understood why, if something bad happens to you, the bad thing should be forgiven or forgotten because ‘life is unfair’.

No. The world was just a cruel place.

But that was no excuse. Blaming death or depression or tragedy on the ‘unfairness’ of life was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, and it made him angry as he sat at the counter of their kitchen, staring down at a textbook as he studied.

People were cruel. Animals were cruel. Emotions were cruel.

It was all cruel. 

Eren had come over about two hours ago, looking tired and distracted. He’d passed by, giving Levi a mumbled greeting before going into Erwin’s room across the apartment.

It confused him. It annoyed him. But he wouldn’t think about it. Instead he just sat there, grumbling to himself about the cruelty of the world.

Bitter.

Eventually, he heard the shower turn on, and he raised an eyebrow. The lovey-dovey couple was suppose to attend a huge party tonight, and they should have left about an hour ago. There was still plenty of time in the night, but he’d figured Erwin would want to get there on time and drink before the alcohol was gone.

He shook his head, looking back down at his book. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t his business to wonder.

The apartment was a little too quiet. The shower turned off, and about ten minutes later, he heard the door to Erwin’s door click open and then shut. He heard someone fumbling with the door handle, a jingle of a key against metal.

Then Erwin appeared, decked out in jeans, a regular black shirt, and his varsity jacket, the school’s logo branded over his breast. He gave Levi a dazzling smile, shoving his wallet into pocket and walking past him to the door.

“I’m getting a ride to the party, so you get the Jeep. I’ll see you there later, right?”

Levi gave a slow nod. He’d promised his brother earlier, and it didn’t bother him to make a short (very, very short) appearance. 

“Isn’t Eren going with you?”

Something flashed in Erwin’s eyes, but he hid it well. “Nah. The lil’ bastard fell asleep on me. He’s been really tired this week, so I’m just gonna let him sleep.”

Levi nodded. It was true that Eren always seemed tired. He wondered silently if it had to do with wherever those bruises were coming from. The thought made him look at Erwin. Really, really look at him. But what he was thinking (what he was wondering), made him feel dizzy, so he stopped, repressing the thoughts.

Erwin paused at the front door, giving Levi a smile. Yet, there was a stern tone to his voice. “Leave him alone, okay? It’s hard for him to find time to rest lately.”

There was a long pause. A curiosity, sitting on his tongue. But Levi could only agree. “Alright. I’ll see you soon.”

Erwin nodded and closed the front door, locking it behind him.

The ravenette sighed, leaning forward on the counter. He collected his head in his bent arms, thinking thinking thinking, but he didn’t want to think anymore. It was fucking annoying. He wanted to get drunk. He wanted to play the piano. He wanted to forget his own suspicions. He wanted to do anything but think.

A couple minutes after his irritated brooding, he heard a scratching sound. The senior student got up, curious, only to see Luna meow and scratch at Erwin’s door, probably trying to get into the room and cuddle with its owner.

Levi rubbed the bridge of his nose, muttering a ‘stupid cat’, before he tried to open the door and let her in. But the door was locked. He wrinkled his eyebrows, staring at the handle. The doors were rarely ever locked. 

“Fuckin’ locks.” He reached up to the top of the door, stretching his frame. He was short, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t reach something as measly as the door’s bordered edge. He grunted, feeling around for the gold key that eventually fell and clattered to the door.

Trying to be as quiet as he could, he unlocked the door, letting the light from the living room fall in, illuminating what he didn’t want to see.

 

Eren could hear noise.

Which was surprising, because he’d thought he was dead. Maybe it was the gates of hell beneath him, opening up with bright fangs, preparing to devour him.

But alas, he was not that lucky.

The light hurt, even behind closed eyelids. Too bright. He focused on that pain; uncomfortable because of light. Not because of anything else. Not because his body was destroyed. Not because his heart was broken. Just the light.

Somewhere far, far away, he heard withered breaths. He hoped it was Erwin, and no one else. He really did. Letting the one who’d harmed him see him like this was better than letting anyone else see him like this.

But alas, he was not that lucky.

Fingers touched him, and he sank into that touch, lost to the rest of the world. 

 

Levi’s knees almost collapsed beneath him, but he remained calm.

Labored breaths, reaching for what appeared to be a doll, used and tossed away after play time.

He almost choked. He’d never felt agony like this before. Indescribable. Relentless. Fuming. Vengeful. 

A boy, broken with butchered breathing, lay naked in the king-sized bed. His stomach was against the sheets, thin arms bent at the elbows, hands near his head. 

Shoulders lay stitched with hand prints, large and red and swollen. His skin near his inner thighs and hips looked angry and reddened, like someone had forced their grip on them. Bruises and cuts littered his body, but those were all old. Soft green patches that had been an ugly purple color months ago. Cuts that hard turned to little scars. All hidden where others couldn’t have possibly seen. His stomach, his thighs, his chest.

The only ones that look fresh were near his thighs, hips, and shoulders. As if someone had forcefully pinned him down. Like someone had forced him to…

Levi took a step forward, then another, then another. His fingers shook as he reached out, attempting to suppress panic. He was calm. He suppressed every reaction, every instinct, every piece of anger that ate away at his conscious.

Digits reached out to smoothen the hair from Eren’s face, feeling a shiver run through the youth. And then relief, as he realized he was ALIVE. Alive, and breathing (which he should have heard before then, but everything was too loud, roaring in his ears, hideous thoughts running through him). 

It didn’t seem like Eren was just sleeping, though. He was awake, but in a realm where he was dead weight. There, but not truly.

When Levi looked around, he saw a sock full of saliva beside Eren’s head. It had probably been shoved into his mouth to keep him silent. The thought burns him. 

And on the nightstand, next to a bottle of Jack Daniels ( _typical_ , he wants to hiss, but he doesn’t), is a little baggy of white pills. He stills. Looks at the pills, glances at Eren, then back to them again.

A single, murmured, “Fuck,” before he’s lifting Eren in his arms and carrying him to his own room and into the bathroom. He won’t subject him to Erwin’s bathroom. It just seemed wrong at a time like this. Like his scent would suffocate the boy. 

They collapse in Levi’s bathroom, Eren making little suffering whimpers, before Levi has him on his knees before the toilet. His call for cleanliness goes out the window; he’ll worry about the rancid smell another time. Instead, he immediately pushes two fingers (his index and middle digit), right down Eren’s throat.

The boy coughs, very lazily attempting to push Levi’s hand away, but the older male frantically holds up his head, trying to still him. “Come on, Eren,” he mutters, suddenly feeling frantic. “Work with me.”

Again, he’s pushing his fingers down his throat, holding his chin in his palm, reaching for his uvula. He finds it, touches it, and suddenly the youth is retching into the toilet. Levi holds his head up, helping the boy who’s practically unaware and unmoving before him as he coughs up whatever he’d previously eaten, and hopefully whatever pills he’d swallowed. Palms rub his naked back, steadying him, supporting him. 

When he’s done and they’ve flushed the contents down, Levi finds a spare toothbrush beneath his sink, opening the packet and pushing toothpaste on it. Even though Eren’s not really there, merely slumped against the cold bowl and breathing loudly, Levi still forces the brush on his teeth. He knows stomach acid can easily attack and eat away at your teeth, and he needs him to rub it away. But Eren can’t do it, arms too heavy (heart too heavy), and so Levi does it himself. He moves the brush gently, being careful of his bottom lip (which he’s noticed is bleeding, and the sight makes him cringe). He helps Eren wash out his mouth, and as he does so, another hand reaches to the bathtub, turning on the faucet to a moderately warm setting.

It’s silent, only the roar of the water running. Levi can’t find anything to say. He’s a version of himself that is not true. Working to fix, keeping his mind occupied.

As it continues to fill, he leaves Eren slumped against the wall of the tub and travels back into his room. Behind him, he hears the brunette muttering something, but he doesn’t turn back. Instead, he finds a comfortable and long pair of black sweatpants, and a loose sweater. He also gets him a clean pair of boxers, and tells himself to remember Eren’s shoes on the way out.

He comes back into the bathroom and shuts the door, turning off the faucet when he sees the tub is full. Hands gently burrow beneath the youth’s arms, lifting him. The brunette’s legs are practically limp, but Levi’s strong enough to get his body into the bath. The water makes soothing splashes, and Eren only shudders, eyes still closed. He sits, knees bent to his chest, head resting against them like it’s impossible to keep himself up and focused. 

Shaking fingers worked at getting soap onto a washcloth, rubbing the boys back. Whenever Eren made a soft sound of resistance, he’d know he hit a sensitive spot, and he’d pour water on it, getting the soap off. He worked over his shoulders and neck, then each arm, then got his legs as best as he could. He tried to cover each inch of his body, but there was too much sensitivity. Too much pain. 

While he’s washing the boy’s hair, rinsing out the shampoo with water, the brunette mumbles something. Levi pauses. The words pain him, and Eren only repeats them, forehead pressed into bent knees, finally grasping onto something after all this time.

“I didn’t want to.”

Whispered. Just a sentence. Just one. But it was enough. Levi grasps his cheeks, lifting his face up, body shaking (it had been shaking this whole time, but he could hardly notice). Eren’s eyes had opened, but they were an eternal sea green. As vast and vague as the ocean. Nothing was in them except lonely waves, swallowing him, and again he repeated it, this time hues glassy and realizing.

“I didn’t want to.”

Levi nods his head. He doesn’t know what else to do. He’s seething, but if he lets himself feel that anger, he’ll go out and do something he’ll regret. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t know what he wants. Thumbs push away at unshed tears. He had never seen Eren cry, and even now, even through all this agonizing heartache, the youth still held onto his tears like they were his last hope, never letting a single one fall.

He’s shaking his head, the memory rushing over him, murmuring again and again until he slumps against Levi’s chest, and Levi’s only looking at the wall, glaring at nothing and everything. Glaring at the cruelty of this world. 

When Eren fell quiet again, Levi finished silently. There was nothing he could say at a time like this. The freshman was beginning to wake, but not to the point where he was actually aware of fully sober. 

Another noticeable thing about Eren’s naked body was his obvious weight loss. When he’d met the boy, his muscles had been much more toned. His stance had been strong and full. His legs had been muscular. Abs weren’t too crazy, but they’d been defined.

Now, there were no noticeable lines toning his stomach or chest. It was all mostly flat. Like he’d barely eaten anything lately. When Levi was cleaning the dirt beneath his fingernails, he took each skeletal finger and kissed them individually, lips trying to cure what had been broken.

Finally, he unplugs the water, letting it drain out. He helps Eren stand, wrapping a towel around his body and helping him get over the small bath's wall until he’s sitting on the edge. The raven-haired male takes another towel, putting it over the boy’s head and drying his soaked hair. Soon after, he grabs the pair of boxers, slowly and carefully pulling them over each leg and up to his hips.

Eren’s eyes are closed, and he’s fallen back into silence. Like the lack of his voice was a shield, and he was blocking out the world. 

Levi pulled the sweatpants up next, hoping they’re soft enough on those battered legs. He takes the towel from Eren, ignoring the soft and harmless sound of refusal (as if he were too cold to let go). He replaces that chill with the warmth of the sweater, and soon Eren's arms wrap around himself. Emerald eyes are open again, but they’re staring down, finding it hard to focus.

He’s dressed now, fully covered to where you can see no marks, so different from the world Levi’s been shown. He bends down, crouching beneath Eren to get into his line of vision. A hand lifts to take Eren’s own hand, which hangs loosely between his legs.

“I’m going to take you home now, okay?”

He sees green eyes blink at him. Once, and then again. And then there’s a slow nod. Levi stands and helps the other stand, too. They slowly make their way to the living room, and the older doesn’t forget to bring the boy’s wallet, phone, and shoes. 

When they’re set and ready to go, Levi silently helps him to the car. The two walk slowly, and Eren’s head keeps drifting off to lean against Levi’s shoulder, before the twenty two year old has to keep gently prodding him to move forward.

In the Jeep, it’s silent. Eren’s eyes are closed, as they’ve often been all night. The pain in Levi’s chest feels like it’ll explode any minute, but he compacts it as well as he can. Not for himself, but for the other beside him. When they go over a small bump, Eren flinches, jerking his arm. The older reaches out a hand, fingertips against the youth’s wrist before he intertwines their fingers.

Eren returns the hold with a squeeze, then turns to him to offer a lopsided grin, his expression not fully there as he attempts to comfort Levi (and the idea is so ridiculous that it pains him).

“It’s okay.”

But it’s not okay, and Eren knows that, and Levi knows that, and his one free hand grips the wheel as he drives, so goddamn mad at the world. The damn _cruelty_.

They park in the visitors section of his dorm’s parking lot, the ravenette helping the other exit the car. In the lobby of the dorm, Eren flashes his student I.D. lazily, letting them know he’s a resident and that Levi was his guest. His words are garbled and a little too heavy on his mouth, but the residential assistants look like they’re use to it, and they just wave him on.

It’s good that the dorm building has an elevator, or else getting up the stairs would have been impossible. They make it to the third floor and finally enter the room, Eren’s arm around Levi’s shoulders as they move, his feet lagging and slumped.

Levi takes off his shoes and let’s him in the bed. Armin and Mikasa aren’t here, and he’s thankful, but when he thinks about where they must be, a sour taste fills his mouth. Feeling his shoes off his feet, Eren lays back, snuggling into the comforter, enjoying the scent of his own bed. The other watches him with a steady expression.

He wants to stay. He wants to make sure he’s okay in the middle of the night, then in the morning, then the next day and the next. He wants to tell him every second of every day that it’ll be okay.

But he can’t; there’s somewhere else he needs to be.

So he gets up, the bed shifting without his weight. Eren’s eyes drawl open slowly, and his gaze finds Levi, a solemn expression on his face. Perhaps he wants to tell him not to do anything drastic. Maybe he wants to tell Levi that he’s fine, that it was his own fault. If that was the case, Levi didn’t want to listen.

But all that comes out is a soft, lost “thank you,” and then his eyes are closing and as quick as those words came out, he’s asleep.

Levi breathes out, wringing a hand through his hair. He wants to throw something. He wants to break things. But he knows the only thing he can do is talk to the last person he wants to right now.

He leaves, making sure the door is locked behind him, praying that this was all a dream. For Eren’s sake.

 

In Eren’s sleep, he sees titans.

They’re these big, merciless creatures, stomping down on civilization and killing everything in sight. They’re faceless in his dream. Just large, blurred monsters with blood oozing from their lips.

They’re huge and powerful, and Eren is so incredibly small compared to them. He wants to cower in fear, but they’re hurting him. They’re tearing him apart. Next to them, he feels insignificant and useless.

In his dream, he promises himself he’ll grow stronger, and maybe one day he’ll defeat the titans by himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I wish I could say that this is what leads to a resolution, but this is just the beginning of the conflict. Ahaha I hope you're all prepared for a long, wild ride of pain.
> 
> Again, thank you all for the support!! It means so much that you're enjoying this little serious story in a sea of comedies. I think I will definitely write something more lighthearted in the future. Also, hopefully Jean and Armin get more screentime in the future, because they'll be a little more fun.
> 
> Next chapter... I'm not too sure. We'll see. OH! And just a heads up, the next chapter may not come out for a day or two. I know I post everyday, so this is just a quick warning. I just think this is a pretty heavy chapter, and it's the weekend, so this is the perfect time for a mini break.


	7. Bleeding Out for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A history of brothers and a long-awaited confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Child abuse and mentions of rape/non-con in this chapter. Also, a little bit of violence, but mostly just punches and whatnot. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy. As always, pain and conflict in this chapter. Um. I have no excuses... have fun!
> 
> PS, Erwin and Levi's history has no relation to their canon history, ahaha. Sorry if you were expecting surprise appearances from Kenny Ackerman or something, lmao.
> 
> Mostly Levi's POV ahead!

The orphanage had a piano.

It was wooden and unused, cobwebs hidden beneath the fall-board, each key yearning for a soft moan.

They were four when they touched it. One boy with black hair, one boy blond. Unrelated, yet similar in they way they touched the instrument. So smooth and caring. Like the piano would save them.

They were taught the basics by an employee in their home. Simple songs, lighthearted and full of mirth.

Erwin, a boy of smiles and joy, played pieces of happiness for the other kids. He played during the day, when the sun was bright and laughter rang through the air.

Levi, a boy of frowns and loneliness, played pieces of sorrow for the other kids. He played during the night, when the moon was bright and dreams rang through the air.

Both boys were talented, and they only grew more skilled.

When they were six, a visitor heard them arguing over who got to play that day. In the end, they decided on a duet, digits caressing the white and black keys with gentle strokes.

Two days later, the adoption papers were signed.

To be adopted together was an astounding development. Levi acted like he didn’t care, but he was ecstatic. Being adopted was a terrifying thing, but to have someone with you made it so much better. Since they were one, they’d been together, every step of the way. They were each other’s rock, always giving gentle hand squeezes, always smiling, always sharing secrets. No one could tear them apart, and to be adopted together was better than they could ever imagine.

The man who adopted them was nicknamed 'Smith, the Piano Genius'.

A man of stoic expressions and stoic emotions. The only way he could express anything was through the piano pieces he played. _The best of their generation_ , some had called him. A man of talents that transcended the world.

And he’d adopted the boys not as sons, but as apprentices.

At first, being adopted seemed like something that would turn their life around for the better. Surely it couldn’t be worse than the loneliness of the orphanage.

But as apprentices, they were taught strictly. They didn’t find a father, they found a coach. Relentless teachings, strict lessons, late night practices. Meals that were nothing more than soup or bread. No time spent outside, nor with friends. School was a requirement that their father hated, and it was a rule to not wander once the bell rang. Come home, practice, sleep.

The first time Erwin complained about wanting to stop practising, the man slapped Levi across his face.

They’d both been in shock, Erwin mumbling in confusion, Levi’s face eventually growing with slow, burning hatred.

“If you complain, your brother gets punished. That goes for the both of you.”

That had shut them up.

It was the idea of protection, and the father was perhaps intelligent for using them against each other in his punishments. If he only hit Levi when Levi complained, it wouldn’t have as much impact. But if Levi complained and he hit Erwin, that would quickly teach him a lesson. And it worked. They rarely spoke back, scared that their other half would get hurt.  
Because that’s what they were. Two halves of a whole.

They went through the same things; had the same life. They harbored the same pain and the same thoughts. They protected each other from nightmares. They’d do anything to protect each other.

If they messed up a piano piece, they were beat. If they complained, they were beat. If they talked of what happened behind closed doors, they were beat.

When they entered competitions and didn’t get first place, they were beat.

If they both entered the same division, whoever didn’t get first place was beat. This happened in one instance, the two of them pushing as hard as they could at the competition. Levi had purposefully messed up a few keys, letting his brother get first place instead. After, he was beat.

If they embarrassed the piano genius in any way, verbally or musically, they were beat.

They grew into pubescence. Erwin was a generally happy child, even with the hidden layers of pain. He was always friendly, always hoping to help others. Levi was the opposite at this age. Rebellious, and full of bite. Anytime someone touched him, he was tempted to rip their fingers off with his teeth. His attitude got him hit, and he welcomed it, mentally promising himself he’d kill the bastard himself one day.

And that day actually came.

Erwin was hunger. At fourteen years old, if the boy wanted something, he wanted it then and there. He was a bit weak (at least, weaker than his brother Levi, who was always starting fights with the other boys from school). He was timid, too. But if he wanted something, it was impossible for him to focus. Practice was going horribly.

“Father, please. Just a small meal and then I’ll play the piece again.”

Smith shook his head. “Again.”

So Erwin played and played, but his piece sounded unruly. Drained and without compassion. Ugly. The elder man stared at him, depths of hell and fury buried within his eyes.

“Again, Erwin. Perfectly, or I’ll drag you inside the closet without dinner.”

Erwin shivered, and Levi glared at their father from a seat in the corner. The closet was a small space on the second floor. It was dark, and sometimes the man left them inside overnight without food. A true nightmare; always hard to breathe, nights full of panic.

But the threat only managed to frighten Erwin, fingers shaking as he played. Smith leveled his gaze at him. His voice was cold. Still and serious.

“Play it perfectly.”

But Erwin could not.

The blond was thrown onto the floor, body folding onto himself. Their father stood above him. A shadow, eyes practically glowing, sinister intentions on his countenance. Levi jumped from his seat, teeth practically bared with loathing. The man pointed a finger at him.

“Down, child.”

Levi paused, mind racing, hoping it would only be a small beating. But the man seemed to have completely lost all patience, anger finally rising within him, his silent exterior only more terrifying. The bottom of his shoe lifted before pressing down against Erwin’s outstretched hand. The blond flinched, unsure what his punishment would be, but hoping it would go fast.

And without warning, so quick that neither of them would take notice, the older man raised his foot and stomped down on those beautiful, nimble fingers. All strength went into his leg, and the bottom of his shoe broke each lithe digit on the blond boy’s hand.

Levi reacted without thinking. And how could he think, when all he could hear were his brother’s screams blasting through the room, shrill and violent? He rushed forward and shoved the man, eyes closed, teeth gritted. And all they heard was a sick, sharp crack as their adopted father’s head smacked the pointed edge of the piano bench, and his body slunk to the floor. Quiet.

There was no trial. The autopsy and clear evidence proved it was self defense. The police withheld information from the media. No one was given details. Only the boys knew of their father’s wrong-doing, and the world went on to mourn him, giving their respects to the world’s greatest modern piano player, and their two sons, who were so greatly ‘loved’ by him.

It disgusted them.

They went back to the orphanage, living life slowly. Healing came gently, Erwin recovering and returning to normalcy much quicker. But Levi still shook at night, blood on his hands, remembering what it felt to murder.

Erwin helped him through it, and they became intelligent and talented individuals. They held each other’s hands for years to come, helping each other heal and grow.

Levi never thought he’d have to deal with something like this again. But he was so deadly wrong.

 

When Levi first heard Eren play, it had been a slow awakening. His cheerfulness, optimism and determination had been annoying, but the way he had touched each key had been brilliant. Salvation. College years had passed so quietly, and then came a boy, loud and with bright eyes, waking him up with cold water. 

When he’d spoken of the boy to Hanji, his only true friend at the university, she had stared at him as he spoke, excitement obvious in his usually dull eyes. When he snapped at her, telling her to stop staring, she’d only laughed, shaking her head.

“It sounds like you’re in love.”

He’d ignored the comment.

At Eren’s mother’s funeral, he’d been restless. Erwin had told him on multiple occasions to calm down.

“He’ll be fine, Levi,” his brother would whisper, empathy in his eyes. “He’ll be okay.”

Levi wasn’t too sure, and he’d begged his brother to go to the younger boy and keep him company. Levi had been too shy to do it himself. Too _stubborn_.

And then they’d begun to date.

The ravenette had been okay with it. If they were happy, he was happy. But something in his stomach hated the idea. His gut would wretch every time they kissed before him. Every touch made him look away. Every laugh pained him.

But they were happy, so he was happy.

Until now.

 

The bastard didn’t come home until morning.

Levi had been awake all night. Pacing, pacing, breaking things, pacing.

At one point, he’d remembered the pills. In Erwin’s room, he flushed down the rest of the alcohol and the whole bag of white caplets. He searched his room, finding nothing else.  
Good. If he’d found anything else, he was sure he’d break a window in irritation.

When the front door opened, Levi was there in a flash. 

The blond looked spent. Like he’d had a wild night, but was now sober in the morning sun. Eyebrows crinkled together as he saw Levi’s face; an anger lining his features that he hadn’t seen in years… not since their father had been alive.

His mouth opened in question, but Levi didn’t give him a chance. An arm reached up, strong and relentless in Erwin’s confusion, gripping his brother’s neck and slamming his face into the wall. Quick and hard, he heard the snap in the blond’s nose. A gasp came from him, and Levi almost stopped, remembering the times his brother had gasped in pain as a child. But he couldn’t let himself feel the guilt. He wouldn’t let himself be manipulated.

“You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?”

Erwin was holding his nose, blood trickling down onto his varsity jacket. Eyes shifted to the hallway, and he noticed his door was opened. It was obvious that Eren wasn't here. That Levi knew. His blue eyes traveled up to Levi from where he’d slid down on the floor. Hardness made his eyes narrow. Sudden anger filled the room.

“Resorting to father’s old ways, huh, Levi?”

Levi practically growls, picking him up from the front of his shirt and lifting him. He pushes him into the wall, the two almost like rabid animals, and Levi has to pause and wonder what happened to the sweet, kind brother he’d once known.

“That’s hypocritical coming from you, isn’t it?” Their chests were heaving, both of them riled. Untamable against the pent up rage. Erwin stuck in the past, Levi pulled to the present. “You like beating on innocent kids, huh? Just like dad beat on you?”

Erwin shoved him off, quick and with athletic strength, spitting the blood from his lips onto their nice, wooden floor. Levi wanted to hit him again just for the mess.

Erwin stared at him, impatience on his face. “Where is he?”

Levi stilled. “You’re seriously asking me that?” He shook his head in disgust. “You’re pathetic, Erwin. What’s wrong with you?”

His brother shoved him back, chest rising and falling with sudden panic, as if he realized the situation he was in now. Finally letting it dawn on him that Levi KNEW, and that Eren wasn’t here.

“Where is he?!”

Levi shoved him back. “What is it? Your teammates? Did they get you into drugs? Did they pressure you? Was it the trauma? Are you sad ‘cause he fucked up your fingers, and you can’t play the keys correctly anymore?” He said it mercilessly.

Erwin hit him on the jaw, and while Levi’s boy moved back from the impact, he didn’t let the pain show on his face. He was used to it. He was built from steel.

“Fuck you, Levi. Fuck you. You can’t take what’s mine.”

“He isn’t yours, Erwin. He’s a fucking individual. You don’t own him.”

“ _I do!_ I pay for his college, I give him a sanctuary, I was there when his mom died. Where were you, Levi? Playing timid lonely boy in the corner while I helped him!”

Levi ignored the last parts, letting the pain slide by. “You’re paying for his college? Is that why he feels indebted to you?” He shook his head. “You’re really manipulating him, aren’t you? Lemme guess, you told him you were the only one who loves him, and that you’re the only one who cares.”

Erwin began to walk away. “Fuck off, Levi.”

The ravenette blanched. “You really did, didn’t you? All this time, he’s been suffering ‘cause of you, and you’ve just been getting high off Mandrax with your stupid teammates. What a fucking joke.”

Erwin spun to face him, glowering, unsteady and unstable. “I love him, and he loves me. He is _mine_. Don’t try to break that up just because of your own unrealistic envy.”

Levi only looked at him. “You love him enough to rape him?” The word, that single word, was enough to make his anger grow again, roaring through his body, fists ready to throw another punch. He wished Erwin’s nose would heal, so he could break it again.

“I didn’t. He was asking for it, moaning and-” Levi was on top of him in a heartbeat, a punch to his temple, tackling the taller until their bodies landed heavily on the hard floor. Levi pinned his brother’s hands down, ready to snap his neck, willing himself not to. 

“Don’t you fucking dare play that card with me, Erwin, or so help me god, I’ll turn you in right here and now.”

Erwin paused, some of the color draining his face. “And why didn’t you? You found him, right? So why didn’t you?”

Levi paused, the fire in his eyes almost emptied. He didn’t want to be asked this when he was so full of loathing. It would only remind him of these twenty two years they’d spent together, never leaving each other’s side, never letting each other suffer before this point. He’d lived to protect Erwin; he couldn’t be the one to hurt him. But this was a different type of betrayal. This was a betrayal of goodness… of character. Erwin had become the one thing Levi could not stand. He stared down at the other, the skin around his eyes tight, eyelids slanted. He didn’t want to admit his dependency, but Erwin was staring up at him. Expecting an answer.

“You’re a piece of shit, but you’re my brother.” This time, he was whispering. It finally showed on his face… how hurt he was because of this. How abandoned he felt by the other’s sudden behavior. “I almost did call an ambulance… you almost killed him, Erwin. How could you do that?” He was staring at him painfully, so incredibly quiet, but he couldn’t stop there. “How could you just leave him there? What kind of human does that? It’s too much like dad…” Suddenly, he was shaking, hands crawling to Erwin’s neck, thumbs rubbing against the skin there. “You remember what I did to dad, right?” He lifted a hand, taping Erwin's temple, zoned out in a sudden influx of memories. “Got him right here. Killed him in a heartbeat.” He stared down at Erwin. Steady eyes, steady hands, steady words. “I’d do anything to protect the people I care about. You know that, right?”

Very, very carefully, Erwin nodded. Despite the threats, he was filled with more despair than fear. The idea of Levi’s suffering, as a side effect of what he’d done to Eren, was overbearing. Unshed tears lay deep in his eyes. “I love him,” he murmured, looking up at his brother hopelessly. With absolute desperation and dread. “I don’t want him to leave me.”

Levi watched him lifelessly. “It’s a bit too late for that now, huh?”

Erwin shook his head, refusing. He couldn’t bear the thought of letting Eren go. Eren was his. And even if Levi killed him, even if Eren hated him, he would still try to keep the boy where he belonged. In his arms, and no one else's.

“I don’t care where you got the drugs. I don’t care that you’re throwing your life away over whatever stupid, traumatic bullshit you’re trying to pretend you’re going through. I don’t care if you’ve been suddenly awakened by some half-assed psychotic tendencies.” There was a long pause, and Levi stood up, dusting off his hands.

“If you touch him again, I’ll kill you.”

But Erwin knew it was an empty promise.

 

The next week went by with high tensions. 

Levi and Erwin didn’t talk. Levi made it a habit to take the Jeep out often, hoping Erwin would stay home and regret the things he’d done. He was still silently debating if there was more he should be doing. He wanted to contact the police, but he didn’t want to. He lived with a constant internal struggle, always unsure what to do. Always confused about his options.

He wanted to ask Eren, but the boy was quiet. He couldn’t reach his cellphone, nor could he find him on campus. Mikasa and Armin had been short with him, acting suspicious, and Levi had to wonder if they knew now, too. 

There was nothing he wanted to do at this point but talk to the youth. To see his bright green eyes and to know that he was okay. But he knew Eren was avoiding him. For whatever reason, he did not know. He would give him time, though, and simply see what happened.

The brothers blatantly ignored each other. Perhaps Erwin was still sad, or angry, or itching to get another punch in. Levi didn’t care; he was still deciding whether or not he should move out. The aftermath didn’t feel over. It still all sat on his shoulders, making him cringe every moment he thought about it. If solutions were easy, it would be resolved by now.

When the week passed fully, he was starting to feel suffocated with concern. He worried for the youth, fretting in class, fingers itching to call Eren again, but knowing he shouldn’t bombard the boy.

It was on the seventh day, when he was finally starting to truly panic, that he saw those emerald eyes again.

 

Erwin and Eren sat at the dinner table, drinking tea.

“Levi’s in class, so he won’t be here.”

Eren nodded, silently stirring the string of the teabag within his mug. The cut on his lip had mostly healed. He looked lethargic, but aware. Nervous, even. 

Erwin was silent, but not angrily so. Guilt laid on his expression. Guilt, love, and secret frustration. He looked at Eren like he was the world, but also like he’d betrayed him. But that was not a matter to be spoken at this point. Now was only meant for apologies.

They spoke, Erwin with apologies, Eren with dismay and uncertainty. He didn’t know how he’d become warped back into this world. He didn’t know why he kept being pulled back. Was this what true love felt like? Or did he feel obliged? He didn’t really understand. When Erwin had caught him at a cafe near their apartment, he’d let him talk to him. He didn’t know why. There weren’t any excuses for his acceptance of the situation, and he wasn’t making them. He was just here, remembering the soft kisses and caresses of love. And then he was remembering Erwin has he shoved pills in his mouth and violently forced himself atop the boy.

There were always two sides to love, but were they always so horribly different? Were they always so painful?

But, Eren knew he was indebted to Erwin, and that Erwin loved him, and that Erwin cared for him, and that Erwin would only ever treat him like he _deserved_ to be treated.

Or was that a lie, created to hurt him and teach him?

Eren was growing on the verge of forgiveness. His heart was troubled, and he looked into Erwin’s eyes and saw true regret.

“I won’t ever lay a hand on you again,” he tells him. “I just love you so goddamn much, Eren. I love you, and I can’t imagine living without you. I’ll do anything you say. I’ll give up the partying... the football. I’ll move a hundred miles away if you tell me to. I just don’t want to live unless I’m with you, Eren, god, I… Fuck.” He wipes at his face, tears beginning to form, but Eren remains quiet.

There’s nothing to say. It’s an easy answer: to forgive, or not to forgive. But he doesn’t know which to choose, and because he doesn’t, he stays quiet. Thinking. Not really living. Just silently thinking. 

Eren keeps telling himself to behave like an adult. Mature. But what represents maturity?

“Erwin, I…” He’s nervous. Shaking, but determined to get his point across. “You hurt me, but… without you… I don’t know. It seems weird to just give up.”

Erwin nods, agreeing. There’s a glint in his eye, but Eren doesn’t notice. “I love you so much, Eren.”

The freshman wishes he’d stop saying that. It doesn’t help his decision; those words make him biased. 

Without Erwin, who did he have?

(He had Levi, heart and soul. He had Mikasa, and he had Armin. But when he was in Erwin’s presence, it felt like the blond is all he can reach. He’s falling, he’s drowning, and Erwin is here, ready to pull him up.)

“I…” Luna rubbed against his leg, and he paused. That’s when the lock on the front door started to turn, and Erwin stood up, his chair at the table screeching its legs on the floor.

“Fuck.”

Levi entered, a practically empty backpack on his shoulder, keys jingling in his hands. He rounded the corner of the front hallway, glancing into the brightly lit living room as the sun entered through the wide windows, illuminating the picture of his brother, eyes hesitant and regretful, and the boy, head shifted down and staring at the table, not allowing himself to make eye contact with the raven-haired senior.

Immediately, Levi dropped his bag, not a single word on his tongue as he went forward, arm outstretched and ready to hit, his other hand clutching at the front of Erwin’s shirt.

But Eren was there just as quickly, standing between the two but facing Levi. Hands were in front of him, flinching, but hoping to stop the other male.

Levi paused, dread filling him at the sight of Eren protecting his brother. “Eren…”

The youth shook his head. “Don’t.” Always that word. Always stopping him, with a single damn word. But Levi didn’t want to stop this time. He’d told Erwin before:

_Touch him again, and I’ll kill you._

The younger boy grabbed his wrist, though gently and not roughly, pulling it down with a stern look. Finally, ocean filled hues looked at him, steady. And then, with cold words, Eren spoke to him.

“It’s none of your business.”

Sickness rumbled in Levi’s stomach. Nausea. Pain flitted across his face, filling his eyes, hand finally dropping.

And Eren promised himself to never tell Levi. To never tell him that he was trying to patch up what _HE’D_ destroyed. That he was trying to get Erwin to forgive Levi, and Levi to forgiven Erwin. That he didn’t want to be the source of a fight between brothers who had loved each other years and years before, while he’d only known them for eight months. It wasn’t fair. He wouldn’t break them up. This was his fault, and he wouldn’t allow the violence to continue. He’d fix it. For Levi. For Erwin. He just needed time, and he needed the two to calm down.

But Levi didn’t know this, and he only looked at him with absolute hurt and agony, before turning on his heel, grabbing the keys, and leaving the apartment.

The door slammed behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry omg.. So, as always, Erwin is emotionally manipulating everyone. Eren is still struggling with his subconscious to overcome Erwin's words and be strong and independent for himself, and Levi is just so damn confused. My poor bb's.
> 
> Also, on a happier note, I was thinking of another Ereri fanfic with Eren as a male nymph, aka a spirit of nature. The gods send him to a packed city for a secret task, but he doesn't know anything about technology or slang or pop culture references of anything at all. One day, he shows up blissfully naked and bubbly and excited to be in the city, and he's just super happy, but he notices a cranky workaholic (enter Levi), and decides to show him the good things about life. Ahaha I just need a happy, funny fanfic after all this sadness. Stay tuned for details!
> 
> Next chapter... you're all gonna wanna stick around for. Eren and Levi talk. There may be tears...
> 
> (If you don't see me update tomorrow, than I will update the next day. Have a great Monday, everyone!)


	8. Bright Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They touch, and suddenly, there's relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for an update! It's been about three days, which isn't much, but considering I usually update everyday, I'd like to thank you all for you patience. Also, we're almost at 300 kudos!! That's crazy! Thank you all so much, and thank you for the supportive comments!
> 
> I hope you all like this chapter (◡‿◡✿) It's a treat just for you.

When Eren woke up the morning after Levi dropped him off, he’d felt dead.

There was no other way to describe it. Body, mind, soul. It had all been non-existent. His physicality felt demolished. Mind felt obliterated. Soul felt destroyed. That first day, lying in his bed with sores and bruises, he did not think. He just laid there, a shell of a boy as he’d once been, pondering nothing. 

When Armin and Mikasa woke up, they were hungover. They both lay in the blond boy’s bed, the blankets sprawled across them. Groans elicited from their mouth’s as eyes blinked open, the afternoon sun already rising. There were a few random sounds, most likely Armin getting up to go to the bathroom, and the girl rolling over to hide from the light that shone through their window. 

Once they realized Eren was in the dorm, though, their groggy selves eventually turned to anger. They (but mostly just Armin) regarded him coldly for skipping out on the party when he’d promised to go, and Mikasa hounded him for answers.

But the boy didn’t answer either of them. Their words barely even processed in his mind. He only turned to face the wall in his small twin bed, not a single groan muttered from bruised lips. When his silence stretched on for hours, their irritation slipped away and pure concern was their only response. Eventually, they deducted that Erwin and Eren had broken up, or had a fight, and they laid with him and attempted gentle comfort.

The next day, he skipped class, and the two had to force him to eat. He still didn’t talk, not once confirming or denying what they were guessing.

By Tuesday, he was mumbling at them to leave them alone, and they were grateful, at least, that he was speaking.

On Wednesday, Jean came over. Apparently the party had been a success for the duo. The four of them were to have a movie night, and because Eren didn’t care much about anything, he accepted the mini social interaction. 

They decided on another scary movie, this time going with Sinister, which was actually ten times more horrifying than Scream. Armin was embarrassing but cute, jumping and yelping when the music began to thump higher and higher, heart racing along with the climax, until each pop-out made him cling to Jean tighter and tighter.

Eren watched without interest, and at some point, Jean had to lean into whisper to the blond he was now dating.

“Hey… what’s wrong with your friend?”

But he was only hushed, and Jean nodded, deciding not to question the brunette’s silence again. 

The movie was scary enough to even make Mikasa flinch, and by the end of it, they joked about Eren’s apathetic response to the movie. He made no reply, not even when Jean told him, ‘It was nice to meet you, Eren,’ and left for the night.

By Thursday he was a lot better. This was when he actually began to feel, and to respond to things. He let himself forget what happened, telling himself to get over it… that it wasn’t that traumatic. That he was okay.

Now he was just lying to himself in an attempt to heal.

The youth was just tired of feeling pathetic, and he went to class with shoulders held high, ignoring the voice in his head which (repeatedly) told him that he was broken.

By Friday, he was getting itchy. A part of him felt he was worthless. Dependent and pathetic. Too frail to live without Erwin, who had been there with him through everything. He was beginning to believe that he deserved what happened to him. He was growing guilty for ignoring the older blond all week, but he somehow prevented himself from calling, knowing he shouldn’t. Talking to his boyfriend would only take away the strength that he was trying to form.

When he saw Erwin at the cafe, though, he couldn’t resist the invitation back to his apartment.

Eren didn’t know why he went with him. He wasn’t going to make excuses for himself. He wasn’t going to try and justify it. 

The freshman just wanted to fix what he’d messed up. He wanted to go back to the times when Erwin loved him unconditionally. He wanted to go back to when Levi hadn’t found out about them. He wanted to go back to when Levi and Erwin were still close (which, he assumed, had only worsened since Levi found out about Erwin’s behavior). Despite his weakness throughout it all, he was determined to do something right.

But what was _right_ in this situation?

He didn’t know, and the situation only managed to make him stressed and anxious and irritated enough to actually try and listen to what Erwin had to say, just to see if it was worth it. Just to see if he was actually changing; if he was truly regretful.

It seemed like he was, but then again, Eren could sometimes be very naive.

The doe-eyed boy hadn’t meant for Levi to find them, though. He’d just wanted to talk to the violent blond... he’d just wanted to get things straightened out. But letting Levi see them had only caused more pain and misunderstanding. In his struggle, he’d said the wrong thing, and before Eren left the apartment that day, he was absolutely determined to fix it.

 

A whole week later, two weeks from the day Erwin had hurt him past no return, Eren was walking into their apartment with his spare key.

He and his boyfriend had settled on a short agreement. Erwin would give the youth some time. They would still be together, still be dating, but Erwin had to stop hurting him. Erwin hadn’t been pleased about being bossed around, or confined to rules that weren’t his own, but he of course didn’t say his complaints aloud. He only agreed, and while it seemed to be something he’d ‘fixed’, the solution only left a sour taste in Eren's mouth. His thoughts were all over the place, but somewhere deep inside him, he had a small, quiet voice telling him this wasn’t an actual conclusion.

He decided to ignore that voice.

Erwin was all he knew at this point. A whole year of school, from August to April, had been spent with the older blond. Turning him away seemed like it would take all his strength, and at this point, so withered and burdened and alone, Eren wasn’t sure he had it.

Either way, he allowed their situation to stay at a stand-still for the time being. Cautious dating. That’s all it was.

Now, with Erwin gone that following Saturday and Sunday for a weekend in a cabin with his friends (which he’d agreed to only to give Eren more space), the brunette was letting himself in to feed Luna.

What he wasn’t expecting to find was Levi, sitting at the piano bench and turning to look up at him as he entered, silence following the slam of the door.

Luna meowed, bounding over to Eren and rubbing her face against his thin legs. Avoiding the other’s eyes, he set the toys he’d bought for her on the dining room table, bending to scratch her chin.

“Hi, Luna, baby,” he muttered, attempting to smile as she purred at him, though failing once he realized the awkward tension around the room.

“What’re you doing here?”

Levi’s voice was cold and distant. Emerald hues lifted to finally look at him, but Levi’s eyes weren’t meeting his gaze. Instead, they were traveling to every inch of skin the younger was showing. As if looking for apparent bruises. But Erwin hadn’t hit him since that night two weeks ago, so there would be nothing there for him to find.

Eren stood, grabbing the a few things from his bag and holding them up. "Sorry. I thought you had class. " A pause. “I brought her toys. Plus, I have to feed her.”

"I skipped." Again, no hesitance nor friendliness lingered in the reply. “I’m here. I’ll feed her.” A pause. “You can leave.”

The youth practically blanched at his words. He supposed he deserved it. His own words, ‘it’s none of your business’, had practically echoed with bitterness. But he hadn’t meant them that way. He’d only been trying to protect Levi. Though the older male didn’t know that, leaving him confused and irritated about the whole mess.

Eren nodded, looking down at the wooden, sleek table. His cheeks burned with scarlet, for some reason hurt by the way Levi had brushed him off. But he didn’t want to seem more weak than he knew he was. So instead, he just looked back up.

“Can I spend a few more minutes with her? I haven’t see her in awhile.”

Levi was watching him, a tiny hint of pain in his grey eyes. A hint that Eren missed, too embarrassed to make eye contact with him. He glanced away, shrugging.

“Do whatever you want,” he replied, before looking back towards the piano and continuing his music. It was smooth, caressing the walls around them. But still, the tension lingered.

Eren let himself get to the floor, collecting Luna in his lap and petting her, her tongue lapping out occasionally to tickle his fingertips. He watched Levi’s back absentmindedly, a bit zoned out, before he noticed that the piano playing had stopped. Eren paused the movement of his hands, too, ignoring the way Luna bumped into his hand for more comfort.

“Are you still with him?”

It was barely a whisper. Eren felt himself frown as the words came out, and he glanced away. There was no answer that would make him seem like he’d done the right thing, so he kept his mouth shut. But the silence was enough make Levi stand, whirling around to face the youth.

“That’s bullshit, Eren. It’s bullshit. And I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s not my business. It’s absolute, utter bullshit.”

The brunette felt his own anger rising. He looked at the other, Levi’s pupils fully dilated and his breath coming out vividly, feeling himself wanting to mirror that passion. That level of emotion. He didn’t know why, but suddenly he was grappling to pull that anger from himself, desperate to let it out.

“No, it’s not bullshit. I’m trying to fix what I’ve ruined. I’m taking responsibility for the problems I’ve caused!”

Levi laughed humorlessly, shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. When he replied, his hand fell back to his side. “What _you’ve_ ruined?” Again, he shook his head. “God, the bastard is manipulating you, Eren. You don’t have to take responsibility for jack shit.”

This time, Eren was the one to shake his head, standing up and setting Luna on the floor beside him. “I made mistakes, too. And now I’m making up for them.”

“No,” Levi snapped, his eyes narrowing. “You didn’t do anything wrong. The only mistake you’ve made is going back to him after seeing what lengths he’s willing to go to control you.”

The freshman chuckled spitefully. “Stop contradicting yourself, Levi. I’m either blameless, or to blame. Pick a side.”

“You know what I meant,” the ravenette practically hissed, but Eren was already turning around, attempting to grab his keys from the table with shaking hands.

“I don’t need this. I’ve made my decisions. I won’t get swayed. I made the right choice… I did…” He was simply mumbling to himself now, and Levi stared at him, eyebrows furrowing as he realized how lost the boy truly was. A hand reached out, rough but gentle fingers wrapping around that thin wrist to stop him.

“Eren, you can’t…”

“No!” The tone of his voice was stern and sharp, but also scared. Frightened of giving up what he’d decided. Fearful of what Levi might say. Terrified that he’d gone about this wrong (he knew he did, but he didn’t want to admit it). He was shaking, and he pulled his arm from Levi’s grasp, hoping he didn’t feel the slow vibrations of his body, suddenly overwhelmed under the pressure. His voice was quiet and weary as he spoke, words barely above his breath.

“I’m… I’m not worth the fight, Levi. You and Erwin, you’ve known each other since you were born. Whatever you guys went through, you went through it together. He talks about you like you’re his favorite person in the world. He loves you so much, Levi.” Levi was frowning, trying to say something, but Eren kept speaking. “I wasn’t supposed to let you see. That was my fault.. But now all I can do is fix it..”

The pianist cupped Eren’s face, gently yet frantically, holding their faces close together. The boy blinked up at him, lost and hesitant and fighting back each emotion that threatened to suddenly overflow.

“Stop blaming yourself for our fall-out. It’s not your fault that he’s a piece of shit.” One of his hands ran through the other’s brown locks, and Eren closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly with each word. “I love him, too. Just like you do. But my love won’t stop me from seeing that he’s using you, or manipulating you to make you believe that this is somehow caused by you. My love for him won’t stop my anger.”

Eren shuddered. “But I…”

“No, Eren. No one deserves to get hit by their significant other. I don’t care what you think you did, or what his stupid fucking excuses were. No one deserves that shit, especially you.”

Finally, eyelids opened to reveal those sea-green round orbs, tears lining the bottom of his eyes, but not yet falling. “He does everything for me, Levi. He’s… He’s been nothing but patient. F-Fuck, I know I can be a lot of effort sometimes. He puts up with me, even at my worst, so I can put up with his temper. Relationships take effort…” His voice was droning on, now, as if he were reciting some manual. “That’s what being an adult is about. I have to accept-”

Lips smashed into his, probably just to shut him up. He felt himself gasp immediately, breath flowing into his mouth as lips parted, teeth suddenly nipping at the puffed, pink skin. Eren pushed him away, the contact breaking. His breathing was heavy, but his eyes weren’t wide. It was like he’d been expecting it. He didn’t know why. Didn’t know why he wanted to do it again.

“I…” But Levi cut him off.

“You’re right, Eren. As much as I might tease you, you’re an adult. You make your own decisions. No one else can make them for you. No matter how many times I tell you how fucked up this is, you’re the only one who can truly pull yourself from the ashes and decide to move on. As much as I want to help, ‘cause god trust me, I really fucking want to… no matter what, you’re the only one who’s in charge of your life, and your decisions are valid.”

He couldn’t stop talking now, breathing only hitched, fists curling by his sides. “But let me tell you now. There is nothing that you’ve done that is worthy of getting hurt like that. You might decide to forgive him, but as much as you try to patch things up, I won’t. He hurt something good and pure. He ruined your first love. I hate him for that. I really fucking do. He’s done nothing for you but give you money and hold you at night. Fuck that. Scholarships aren’t hard to come by. I’ll help you get a job, even.” A pause. “If you’re truly in love with him, then I get it. But don’t you dare for a second tell yourself that love is supposed to be like this. It’s not.” 

Again, he grabbed Eren’s cheeks, thumbs rubbing against the smooth, olive skin. Now he was back to whispering, his voice climbing down from its peak of anger. “Love is meant to be gentle and kind and patient. You shouldn’t be feeling like you’re trapped. You… you’re fucking smart, Jaeger. You’re talented. You’re... fuck, you’re beautiful. You’re young. You can be anything, or do anything. You have years ahead of you. Don’t waste them with him.” His eyes were full of absolute adoration. It was the most Eren had heard him talk in a long time. “Spend your time with someone who’ll treat you right. Adult relationships aren’t abusive. They take effort, sure, but once your partner is trying to control and dictate you, what’s the point of your own individual freedom?”

His thumbs were still rubbing those rosy cheeks, as if cradling something so incredibly frail and important. “Meet someone who tells you you’re worth it. Meet someone who will cherish you, and who cares about you. You deserve that much and more, Eren. I don’t care what Erwin’s told you. I’ve seen abusers before. They may promise to stop, but they never do. Meet someone who would never hurt you, no matter what you did.”

The youth’s eyes were wet, tears about to spill over. Each hue kept flickering between Levi’s two eyes, confusion swarming him, fully taking the ravenette in. He heard his words, every last one, letting them soak him until they were all he felt. His face held nothing but true pain, while Levi’s held only love.

“You mean someone like you?”

Levi paused, eyes blinking, realization dawning at him as if he just noticed he was alluding to himself. He wanted to deny it; to claim that there weren’t any feelings here. That he just cared for Eren’s well-being (which was true, but it wasn’t the whole truth). He wanted to shake his head and deny it, but before he knew it, Eren was reaching for the top of his shirt, hands crinkling the cloth in tiny, desperate fists, lips impaling his own. 

It was rough at first. That one word kept coming back: _desperate_. Lips trying to get words and feelings across. Voices and thoughts replaced by desire, hands searching each other’s bodies. 

This felt long awaited, and Eren still wasn’t consciously sure why it felt like that, but he sighed deeply into the kiss either way. 

It felt like relief. 

They tripped over their feet, palms eventually falling to each other’s cheeks, both of them struggling to devour their mouths and savor the taste. Lips pulled back and forth, vicious yet soft in their tangle, and tongues soon found their way, too. Wetness slid between them, Levi’s teeth nibbling on the boy’s tongue, only allowing him to whine into the other’s mouth, who now felt a smirk on Levi’s lips.

They practically fell into the older’s room, stumbling along, clothes coming off with absolute impatience. Eren’s loose sweater was first, the other’s hands riding along his ribs as he pulled the clothes off. And then Eren was returning the favor, though much more enthusiastically, barley taking the time to appreciate the process before hands had ripped off the shirt. 

It was almost humorous, but neither of them could find it in themselves to laugh now. The way their lips met was no longer fierce banter. It stopped feeling like a way to shut each other up, or a flood of relief, or a way to find comfort. No, as their shirts came off and their lips began the gentle press, mouths now slow as they opened and closed, tongues lapping up softly and tenderly, it suddenly felt like a confession.

It was slow now. Levi pushed the youth on the bed, cradling his fall while he planted smooth kisses down his torso, stopping at the boy’s hips. Almost at a torturous pace, he pulled off the brunette’s jeans, kissing along his weak legs as he did so. The kisses continued to trail back up, lifting from Eren’s knee to his inner thigh, before finally pulling off those navy blue boxers to reveal a semi hard-on. Levi didn’t stop his kisses. He pressed another trail up that length, feeling Eren shiver and shudder beneath him, feeling him harden under each press of the lips. After pressing one more to the tip of his head, he came back up. The black-haired male found every scar his eyes could catch, pressing a loving touch to each one, letting the youth writhe, begging to be touched, but also soaking in the pace, thoroughly enjoying himself with what was being said through touches.

Eren’s hands fell to clasp the other’s face, bringing him back up to meet his own lips. They were no longer going feverishly, their movements synced and their bodies content. They needed comfort and stolen kisses more than they needed the roughness of lust. They needed to heal their hearts before they healed their cravings.

Levi stopped the kiss to push two fingers into Eren’s mouth, glazed eyes looking at him with an obvious intent. The youth took the fingers between his tongue, spreading his saliva across them and sucking them between his teeth. Levi felt his member twitch against the other’s leg, and Eren reached down to attempt and pull his briefs off, desperate to feel that twitching against his own fully hardened length.

The room was masked by their breathing, and eventually Levi pulled out his fingers, taking his time to look at Eren and enjoy how he already looked so damn unraveled, hair tousled and hues fully dazed and blissful. For the youth, it was so different than any sex he’s ever had. Erwin had been gentle at the beginning, but not once had it been like this. This was true, unconditional love, though neither of them could say it out loud.

Finally, Levi reached a hand to Eren’s entrance. His index finger pressed around the pink rim, feeling it pulsate against his skin, as if pleading with it to enter him. His free hand was curled around Eren’s head, watching as he closed and opened his bright eyes, hands eventually lifting to grip Levi’s shoulders, hips rising to indicate what he wanted. Levi complied, pressing a single finger in, watching the cruel whimpers (cruel because those whimpers made Levi want to come right then and there) as they tumbled from Eren’s lips.

There was no lube in his room, and he wasn’t about to go into Erwin’s room to grab any. Levi was about as inexperienced as they came, and had truly never expected to have any sexual partner in the near future. 

Eren, on the other hand, was damn well pleased with his own saliva, even though it was a horrid makeshift lube. He couldn’t tell Levi, but for a long, long time, Erwin had stopped preparing him, using his entrance without remorse and whenever he wanted. Any type of preparation was more than he could ask for, and the teasing and foreplay all made him melt, _so_ into the pleasure and the intimacy that he could barely find his own voice. Thoughts had been long lost, meaning words were lost, too. He just allowed his body to spit out whatever came impulsively, moaning as he ground his hips into Levi’s fingers, which had now doubled to two.

When a third finger slipped in, and Eren began biting his lip, Levi went back between his legs. On his way down, he gave a kiss on his naval and his now-dripping member before kissing both of his inner thighs. Fingers fell out of his throbbing walls, ignoring Eren’s grumbled complaints, before he licked a line along the youth’s entrance. A sharp hiss filled the room, but Levi made sure his body was eased and relaxed before he settled a knowing kiss at his entrance.

An attempt at healing something that had been harshly invaded weeks before. A weak sentiment, but a sentiment nonetheless. His tongue reached out to edge the outline of his hole, eventually coming up when he heard blissful nonsense tumble from the youth’s lips, urging Levi on with mumbled ‘mmf’s’.

The older of the two finally leaned back up, his right forearm keeping him uplifted on the mattress as he gave Eren a slow, cooling kiss on the lips. Their chests were pressed together, one of Levi’s hands tightly gripping the inside of Eren’s leg, pushing it up a bit and aligning himself where he needed to be.

Their gazes connected, Levi giving him a long, drawn kiss, as if prolonging exactly what Eren wanted. Eren hummed into his mouth, and when they pulled apart, he nodded eagerly with a curt ‘mm’ at the other’s raised eyebrows, giving him a silent _'go’_. 

And suddenly, Levi was pushing inside him, his long, hard length reaching far within those tightened walls, and the older could only groan and hiss with a heightened ecstasy that he hadn’t thought was possible. Eren’s groans, and his disheveled hair, and his tanned skin and perfect eyes, and his throbbing walls and nails that now dug into his back, were all enough to make Levi come. But he held it, letting them go slow, hoping to prolong every thrust. He wanted it to last. To savor it and never let go of the feeling of their heated friction. 

Eren’s hips pushed up into his, and Levi nodded, taking the time to bless his hearing and the fact that he could enjoy the slick moans profusely falling from the boy’s mouth.

“A- _Ah_ ,” he muttered, no words, only heavy, heavy breaths sputtering from him in a sudden frenzy. 

Levi jerked his hips back and forth, pulling all the way out before slamming back in, enjoying the sound of Eren’s piercing cries each time. Eventually his hands pressed into the mattress beside Eren’s head, his body slanted upwards as he rolled and rock into the youth’s body. Their hips slammed together, bone grating against one another. Seeing Eren bite into his lip, Levi practically growled, leaning into a kiss to force the boy’s lips open, letting the sounds land on his tongue.

And then Levi was leaning back, hands beneath Eren’s back as he pulled him, too. Levi sat with legs extended, bringing Eren up and onto his lap, the youth’s calves now beside Levi’s thighs. The ravenette used one of his hands to lean back and steady himself, his other hand coming to Eren’s hip to help lift him and slam him down again.

The boy was shaking, gasping out in sharp huffs, completely wrecked. He was desperate for release, his own legs pushing himself up and down as he straddled the other, arms tightened around Levi’s neck. The older bit at his nipples, licking and sucking until they were perfectly pert and red, eventually biting them. 

Eren was shuddering, member twitching and leaking against their chests with pre-cum. The youth was barely moving, and Levi groaned at the stillness, his own warm pre-cum slick inside the boy. It registered, for a short second, that they’d been too eager and had forgotten a condom, but the thought slipped away in a split second as Eren attempted to move again.

They way he ground his hips made Levi bite at his collarbone, trying to muffle his own moans, which were beginning to turn embarrassing. Eren ground himself into the other’s hips, in slow, agonizing circles, rolling his own body as he did so. Eventually, Levi had to fold his legs in and use both hands to wrap around Eren’s body, hands trailing soft circles along his back. 

The two were soaking in the silent sex, their minds never wanting it to end despite their begging bodies. He felt himself thrust up into the boy, and Eren returned the favor, pushing right down onto his hard, twitching member, which was practically pulsing at this point with the desire to come.

Eren looked down at Levi from his position on his lap, and the sudden eye contact was almost enough to make him come (just like any other time he'd looked at the senior student, who was so incredibly attractive in this state, eyes shining with desire). Lithe, nimble fingers spread out, barely touching the older’s cheek, tilting his face up to kiss him long and hard. Levi’s hands gripped onto his back, as if holding him in place with each pump. Tears began to prick the youth’s eyes, and Levi leaned up to kiss them as he thrusted up, lips then finding every spot on the boy’s face until it was flushed with crimson red. He buried himself into the curve of Levi’s neck and shoulder, small bounces quickening their pace, Eren’s low, sultry moans and heavy “ _ah’s_ ” breathed out against Levi’s ear.

That was enough for him. He kneaded Eren’s ass, taking his plump skin in his palms and slamming him harshly once more time onto his stiff self, vibrations suddenly flowing through him while hot cum shot out and far into the youth’s entrance.

The intimacy without a condom was heightened. How he could feel that warmth slicking over his tight, pink walls, letting it settle in as far as it could reach. He’d never felt like this with his other partner (whose name slipped his mind as he was being absolutely and completely destroyed by the one man before him).

Eren followed soon after, throwing his head back to relieve elongated groans, practically sobbing out as he reached climax, white liquids coating their chests. His breathing was heavy, and as he rode out his orgasm, he continued moving, sucking out every last bit of cum Levi had until it filled him to the brim. With the added pumps and Eren’s tight, pulsating walls, Levi was growling again, hips thrusting up without his permission. The over-stimulation exhausted him, almost killing him as he felt his length twitch and beg for the pressure of immense pleasure to stop. 

They stayed like that, Levi buried deep into the other as liquid dripped down his softening length and out of Eren’s backside. The brunette was still, knowing if he moved he’d drive his body mad. They were breathing hard, the two craving connection, but knowing it was over. Levi set one more kiss atop his nose before setting his hands on Eren’s hips and moving him up, the slick pop sounding as he was pulled off. His knees helped keep him up, his belly button in front of Levi’s face. The older looked down as it poured out, making him twitch at the kind of pleasure it gave him… to see his own thick come sliding down Eren’s shaking thighs. The boy’s head was bowed, eyes closed as he shook, knees wavering. Without any strength left, Eren began sitting again, and while nothing entered him, the sudden friction wasn’t helping their sensitive bodies. 

But Eren didn’t seem to care, too tired.

Levi just smiled, hands falling to Eren’s underside to pick him up, attempting to climb from the bed. The youth’s eyes opened lazily, eyebrows lifting in curiosity as Levi walked to the bathroom, Eren still straddled around his hips. The brunette, understanding that they were going to clean up, peppered kisses along Levi’s cheek and forehead. He knew the other had a hard time by the way his own legs wobbled from the energy they’d used, but they made it to the bathroom soon and Levi turned on the shower.

While the water got warm, they kissed. It was all they could do. It seemed that words were too heavy. There were too many problems at this point. Too many unresolved conflicts.

And there was the fact that they’d just made love, but neither was willing to admit it.

They stepped into the glass shower once they pulled apart. Eren still tried to catch his lips, but Levi chastised him with a steady glare.

“C’mon, brat, I’m too tired to wash your body for you.”

Eren’s only response was to smile wearily (quite obviously tired), arms lifting to rest atop the indent of Levi’s shoulders, soothing a long, closed-mouth kiss atop the lips before his.

He leaned against the tiled wall a few seconds later, eyes closing, and Levi groaned inwardly, giving in and washing both their bodies while Eren took a well-deserved break (and possibly a standing up nap, though Levi couldn’t be too sure). When Levi began cleaning his underside, the youth groaned, suddenly turning around and pressing his chest against the wall. His ass jutted out, a lazy voice flowing between them.

“Wanna experience it again,” he murmured tiredly, eyelashes fluttering above those precious, bright eyes, wet hair stuck to his forehead. His head was turned, looking at Levi expectantly. “You inside… it’s still in there… makes me so hot…”

Levi growled, prepped him again with the shitty water and his own still-leaking come, and pressed himself against Eren, fucking him into the tiled wall.

It was exhausted sex, and his thrusts were lazy and slow, but in the silence of their labored breaths, it was a kind of special that was difficult to describe. They both came within minutes, panting and whispering each other’s names, Levi’s hand finally giving Eren’s member the attention it deserved as it pumped him through his orgasm.

When Levi cleaned Eren again, he made sure he didn’t fall victim to his blooming red cheeks, nor the slight whimper he heard when he rubbed dried come from Eren’s dick.

By the time they were finished, Eren was practically asleep. It reminded him so much of the bath he’d given the youth before, and he couldn’t be more grateful for the different scenario, this time mirth and happiness roaming around him.

They soon got into bed, dry with damp hair, Eren half atop Levi’s chest while the older faced the ceiling. A kiss was pressed to the ravenette's jawline, and Levi ran a hair through those brown, thick strands. 

They fell asleep feeling elated and relieved, but also stressed and uneased.

Unsaid uncertainties lay between them despite their current contentment.

When Levi woke up the next morning, the bed was cold, and Eren was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (✿◠‿◠) Hehe. Welp, it was fun for awhile there, but unfortunately sex can't heal all things. Also, I really liked the idea of Eren and Levi having gentle, truly loving sex without words. I mean, some fanfics can be hot with the dirty talk and the kinks and whatnot, but it wouldn't seem to fit well with this fanfic, ya know? I hope you enjoyed it nevertheless!
> 
> Also, did you catch my little hint at Levi being 'inexperienced'? Pfft, I can't wait until Eren finds out about that... though Levi is really good at pretending he IS experienced, which mostly comes from looking it up in the past and silently imagining what it would be like to do that with Eren. Coughs... not like Levi would admit that, though ahaha. Instinct just kind of took over once Eren was in his arms.
> 
> Next chapter is gonna be a bit of a breather! Everyone's too heavy right now, so the angst needs a break lol. See you all at the next update!


	9. We Hear You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contemplation and bowling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I'm finally starting to get a feeling with my comfort for general updates. They're going to be spread out every few days now, but I don't think the updates will be as far apart as a whole week. So even though they're not everyday anymore, they're still going to be pretty close.
> 
> Also, this is kind of an intermission. It's a lighter chapter set between heavier plot points, but it's still important to the plot. Hope you guys like it!
> 
> PS, it'd be really cool if you guys checked out my other currently updating fanfic, [Daydream in Green](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3939406/chapters/8828182)! It's a lot funnier and lighter!

When Eren wakes up that morning, he’s happy.

It’s a silent euphoria that he hadn’t expected to feel. He’d given up the hope of ever feeling this way again. Light and free, though only momentarily. It’s a feeling that he’d forgotten. To wake up hearing Levi’s smooth breathing, quiet in the room’s darkness. To have a little ray of sunlight poke out from behind the curtain, just enough to see the features on Levi’s face and fully appreciate them. It makes him giddy, and in the midst of all his pain, this happiness feels so misplaced.

But he’s grateful. Even with the guilt and the indecision and the unresolved conflicts, he’s grateful for what Levi gave him that night. Something he had never felt before.

Unconditional, gentle, true love.

The thought makes him still against Levi’s sleeping frame, and he slowly pulls himself from the bed. His knees are weak and wobbly, but he manages to put his clothes back on and very gently close the room door behind him. 

Luna is immediately on him, purring against his ankles. He quietly leans back against the door, running a hand through his hair before he decidedly bends to pet her, giving a small sigh.

The guilt, as much as he wanted it to go, refused to leave.

His stomach was heavy with lead, making him feel like he’d truly betrayed Erwin’s trust. They weren’t completely together. They were still in the healing stages of their relationship, but that didn’t mean they weren’t dating. Erwin was trying for him… Erwin had said he’d change. Erwin had given him everything. But Erwin had also hurt him. He’d stolen his happiness and broke down his independence and pride. What Levi had said yesterday actually did reach him. He understand that, even if Erwin was all he knew, change was the only healthy way to continue on. His relationship with Erwin wasn't what he wanted. He was finally strong enough to _try_ to move on.

But at the same time, he’d cheated. Perhaps if the two had merely slept together, he wouldn’t feel as horrid as he did now. But Levi and Eren had connected, body and soul, and they’d reached a point of no return. That was why he actually felt guilty, and that was why he couldn’t continue anything here with Levi until he officially spoke to Erwin.

Gathering all of his willpower to leave his lover’s side, Eren grabbed his belongings and left, leaving a silent promise that he’d be back in Levi’s arms soon.

 

Jean had a black Dodge Neon. It was kind of junky, but still relatively new (well, new within the last ten years, but nevertheless it was a running car).

Armin sat in the passenger seat as Jean drove, Eren and Mikasa in the backseat. It was a weeknight, wind chilly in the spring afternoon. The windows were half-way down, and Eren was leaning against Mikasa’s shoulder after he’d asked her to sit in the middle seat.

Her arm was around him, fingers running through his brown locks. When they parked, she let go, ushering him to get out.

They were at a bowling alley, which was ridiculously packed for a weeknight, but Eren didn’t comment. Instead, he followed inside as his friends joked around, watching as Jean’s arm lay slung over Armin’s shoulder, the two talking about their past experiences bowling.

“We’re putting those gutter bars up, right?” Jean asked. He seemed a bit nervous about his capabilities, cheeks brushed with red.

Mikasa scoffed. “You wish.”

They entered and paid for their two games, picking out shoe sizes and testing out which ones fit. Eren and Mikasa’s socks were black, so they couldn’t help but tease Armin about his pink socks, which were covered with little colorful fruits. Jean said they were cute as he punched their names into the computer, and Armin stuck out his tongue at his friends.

The game started. Armin was first, with a collected pool of 7 pins. Mikasa was second, getting a strike on her first try (unsurprising to everyone except Jean, who stared at her in shock and awe). Eren was third, and he got 9 pins, though couldn’t manage a spare. Jean was fourth. The first time he rolled, he got a gutter. The second time, he got two pins. Armin clapped him on the back, teasing him before kissing him on the cheek.

Eren was having an okay time. It wasn’t as stressful as most social interactions were, especially because no one bothered him too much. Mikasa and Armin only spoke to him every once in awhile, though for the most part, they just let him chill out and keep to himself. They knew something was wrong, but they didn’t overwhelm him with their friendly concern, except for a few worried glances. They knew that crowding him would only push him away.

At some point, when Armin was up to bowl and looking for his light, purple ball, and Mikasa was up at the food counter ordering them a basket of fries, Jean plopped down next to Eren and lightly bumped his arm.

“Hey.”

Eren laughed. “Hey. Nice score there, Jean.”

Jean frowned, looking up at the scoreboard. He was losing by quite a lot. “Shut it, Jaeger.”

The brunette only laughed, watching as Armin lined himself up, trying to perfect his aim like Mikasa. 

“So.” Jean paused, staring ahead and watching Armin as he spoke. “I know it’s not my business, but Armin’s really worried about you. He talks about you a lot. He… really loves you. Mikasa, too.” The fraternity brother scratched the back of his neck, seemingly disinterested in his own sentimental conversation. “I can tell they’re really happy you came along, so thanks for that, I guess.”

Eren couldn’t tell whether he wanted to frown or smile. It made him sad that even Jean had noticed his distant mood, and that Armin was talking about his concern when he wasn’t around. But at the same time, he knew his friends loved him enough to give him his space and let him talk when he needed to.

Instead, he just silently nodded. He wouldn’t get ignorantly angry at Jean for stating all this, even though it really wasn’t his business. He was thankful that the other cared about Armin enough to care about his friends, too. Jean was turning out to be a really good match for his best friend.

Eren gave Armin a small grin as he turned around and waved, smiling at them. Apparently he had knocked down six pins, and was now going for a spare. They continued to watch him as he set up for his second turn.

Looking over to the food bar, he saw Mikasa talking to a blonde girl behind the counter, the two smiling softly. Eren tilted his head, confused, before turning back to Armin, just as he got a spare.

Jean jumped up, clapping. “Yeah! That’s my boyfriend!” he called out, making a few people in other lanes turn to glance at them. Armin covered his face, probably blushing, but when his hand fell again he was laughing. 

Because it was Mikasa’s turn next, they called her over, and she walked back with a little bounce in her step.

When they finished their first game, with Mikasa as the winner and Jean as the loser, they began to set up the second one. The fries had been devoured within minutes, and Mikasa kept looking over at the girl employee, a small glint in her eye.

Jean looked at Eren, eyes connecting with a knowing look, before he patted Armin on the shoulder. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom.”

The blond nodded and continued pressing buttons that would help reset the game.

Eren watched him leave, fingers fidgeting in his lap, before he cleared his throat. Mikasa looked at him, but the other was still preoccupied.

“Hey. Um.” Only then did Armin turn to look at him, a little tilt in his head. Eren glanced at the carpeted floor, patterns of stars and moons colored into the ground. “I have a question.”

The two looked at him expectantly, and Eren scratched his cheek, humming quietly to himself. It was hard to place his words, or to say them aloud. His thoughts felt weird and muddled. He was still feeling detached and confused, but he wanted to at least talk to his friends to save them from their constant worrying. Plus, it was good to keep them in the loop.

“Would you guys understand if I.. um, if I broke up with… with Erwin?”

The two blinked at him, and Armin muttered a soft, slightly pained, _‘Eren,’_ but neither of them answered for a minute. Instead, they looked at each other and nodded, before turning back to the brunette, his fingers still twitching in his lap.

“Eren,” Armin said, this time much more sternly. He got up from the spot in front of the little computer and Mikasa did the same. Both of them sat beside him.

“You don’t have to ask us,” the blond continued, patting the youth’s knee. “If you’re so stressed that you’ve thought about your relationship to this extent, and that you had to confront us about breaking it off with him, then obviously there’s a reason. And your reasons are valid. We don’t care who you date. We just want you to be happy.” He smiled. “If this makes you happy, then we’re with you.”

Mikasa nodded, but there was a knowing look in her bright eyes. A glint that made him shudder, though she said nothing. He didn’t really want to know what she was thinking.

Eren looked down, but they grabbed his hands and gave them both a squeeze. Mikasa spoke this time. “We support whatever decisions you make. As long as they’re safe decisions,” she added, and he chuckled lightly.

“Thank you. I love you both, by the way.”

Armin kissed his temple, and Mikasa ruffled his hair. “Love you too,” they both replied. At this time, Jean was walking back, and he looked at the scene with a dramatic gasp.

“ _Hey!_ What’s going on here!” 

The blond laughed and got up, giving Jean a kiss on the mouth, before indicating towards the selection of bowling balls.

“You’re up. I put you first for this game.”

Jean groaned. 

That time around, Eren won the game, getting mostly strikes. 

He played that whole game with a smile.

Just like his night with Levi, another piece of him felt lighter, the shell slowly breaking away.

 

Eren asked to meet Erwin at the university, at a small table outside, surrounded by bright green trees.

Erwin met him with a hug and a smile, handing him a Yoohoo. Eren thanked him and they sat, catching up quietly, though Eren was visibly nervous. 

“They put whipped cream on my face while I was sleeping,” Erwin laughed, talking about some of the things he’d done that weekend with his football buddies. Apparently it gets very hectic when there’s only guys and no girls, and the team had been particularly rowdy. “It got in my eyes and nose when I tried to roll over. Melted whipped cream is gross, by the way.”

Eren laughed absentmindedly, but his fingers still picked at the bottom hem of his shirt, building up the courage to say what he needed to. He just needed there to be a break in the conversation. But Erwin kept going.

“We worked out in the mornings, which really wasn’t fun. It was supposed to be a retreat, you know? But instead our captain insisted on keeping up our strengths.” He chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

It was then that Eren noticed Erwin was a bit nervous, too. This was how they’d talked at the beginning of their relationship. They would talk about their days, or their weeks, and enjoy a nice date under the sun. But the tension was different this time around, and they hadn't spoken this leisurely in months. Erwin was always too irritated to have a full conversation. This was not only different, but it was also obvious that this meeting had a specific topic.

The blond’s eyebrows were furrowed, and finally, he looked at Eren expectantly. The two didn’t speak for a minute, and then Erwin opened his mouth, voicing out his concerns first.

“So. What did you want to talk about?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely my shortest chapter yet. But considering last chapter was heavy, and the next chapter will probably be heavy, I'm thinking that I'm allowed one little happy chapter of friends and bowling. Also, it's really important to see that Eren is finally starting to think about his decisions seriously. Plus, support from your best friend's is so important.
> 
> Hope you're all have a great day so far! As always, thank you SO much for the kudos and comments. You guys are so so amazing. Love you all.


	10. Lights Will Guide You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A talk with Erwin and a talk with Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of important dialogue in this chapter! We've got the stage set for the climax, so the next few chapters will be a little crazy. Can't wait to share it with you guys.
> 
> In which Eren is too nice for his own good, and actually _talking_ is the most realistic thing for Eren at this point. Too much miscommunication in fanfics doesn't make sense to me. So this is what happens...
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the love and support!! I have the best readers wow I'm eternally grateful for all your input and all your opinions and encouragement!

_“So. What did you want to talk about?”_

It was a loaded question, drenched in everything Eren has ever been scared of. Loneliness, abandonment, pain, change. Everything that made Eren feel weak was sitting before him in Erwin’s eyes, staring him down, just daring him to say what was on his mind.

“I’m…”

But he couldn’t even get out a word. “Don’t,” Erwin said softly. “Please don’t, Eren. I’m the only one. I love you unconditionally, so don’t. Work with me, okay?”

Eren shook his head eagerly. It was getting hard to find his voice, and the longer he couldn’t find it, the more Erwin used it to his advantage. 

“See? You’re already so indecisive because you know. We’re meant to be, Eren.”

“No,” the youth snapped, then calmed his voice, suddenly nervous for the rise in his tone. “We’re not meant to be.” He was whispering, completely overruled by his own fear. It would take him a few minutes to fully collect himself.

Strength wasn’t as easy as others made it seem.

“We are,” Erwin replied. His voice was still smooth, and Eren wondered how long it would take until he let go of that calm, soft voice.

“We’re connected. I’ve seen you at your best and at your worst. I understand you better than anyone.”

The youth’s voice was starting to find him. “No. You don’t understand me, and truthfully, I don’t think you’ve seen me at my best.”

Levi, perhaps, had seen him at his best. Not Erwin, though. Never Erwin.

“Eren, you don’t know…”

“I do know, Erwin. Listen.” His voice was still stuttered, still slightly small and powerless, but he wouldn’t let the other interrupt him. He’d come to this meeting with determination. It wasn’t time to give that up so easily.

“I love you. I do. You helped me a lot. I know that, and I appreciate you. But I’m not.. I’m not in love with you, Erwin. And I don’t think you’re in love with me, either.”

Erwin’s mouth twitched unpleasantly. The youth shrunk back, but they were in public. He wouldn’t lose his growing strength now. 

“You’re wrong. I’m in love with you, Eren. That’s why I don’t understand why you’re hurting me so badly.”

The brunette frowned. He didn’t want to hurt Erwin, but he had to set aside his own unreasonable guilt and try for his own happiness. And maybe along the way, Erwin could find his own happiness, too.

“I don’t think you do. Being in love means only caring about your partner and wanting the best for them. But Erwin, you…” Erwin gave him a sharp glare, testing out his words, but the freshman kept going. “You hurt me.” Erwin frowned, and Eren mirrored his expression. “I don’t want to hide from it anymore. I thought I could trust you.”

He felt his eyes watering, and he sniffled, sucking in his chest and blinking away any unshed tears. He hadn’t cried in years, and he wouldn’t start now. Not at his strongest moment.

“But you broke that trust, and I don’t think we can repair it.”

Now, this was the point in which he would have told Erwin about the night between him and Levi. But that would mean breaking apart an important bond between brothers, and Eren would not be the cause and effect that destroys their relationship. He wanted to be completely honest with this, because it was an extremely important conversation. But Levi had known Erwin for twenty two years. Breaking them apart with a confession that would only lift his own conscience was selfish, and Eren refused to do it without speaking to Levi first. It would be a mutual decision.

Plus, it wasn’t his night with Levi, or Levi himself, that was the reason he wanted to break up with the senior athlete. Levi was just another reason, prominent but small compared to the other conflicts.

Erwin had broke him. He’d stolen everything, he’d hurt him, and he’d shamelessly used the boy’s body. This was an unsuccessful first love, and after feeling so dark and contemplating horrendous acts of self harm and harboring the growing urge to disappear, Eren knew it was time to fix his own problems.

No one else would come to his rescue but him. And if he suffered the consequences under Erwin’s fist, so be it. But at least he’d fought.

“I just can’t be with you happily anymore.” He paused. “I know it was partially my fault. We started dating at a dark time for me. I could be moody, and I’m not blaming you for this. It’s just not what I want.”

Sure, he was improving, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t shoulder some of the blame. Being manipulated for so long, he couldn’t feel that some beatings really had been punishment, and they could have been avoided if Eren had behaved better. But the beatings wasn’t what this was about.

Their ability to be together was the main topic at hand.

“Is it healthy for you to be angry around me all the time? Don’t you want to be joyful, too? This isn’t love, it’s possessiveness-”

“Don’t!” Erwin exclaimed, raising his voice. Thankfully no one around them had heard the outburst, and the blond lowered his tone, though it was still heated with bitterness.

“Don’t tell me how I feel. This is bullshit, Eren. Fuck you for trying to turn this into some crap about how we’re not right for each other. I love you! Isn’t that enough? Shouldn’t we fight to be together?”

Eren shook his head quickly. “Are you listening to me, Erwin? That’s not what I’m saying…!”

Erwin glared, blue eyes hard and cold. The brunette shivered. “Don’t ask me if I’m listening. Of course I fucking am. I just can’t believe the shit you’re spewing.”

The boy shook his head. “See! How can we ever be functional if you’re just demanding I don’t do this and I don’t do that? How will we ever have love and compassion when you’re so set on dictating me?”

“Because you’re mine, Eren! How many times do I need to lay it down for you? I cared for you, I sheltered you, I gave you what you needed when you needed it, I loved you unconditionally. Where else will you find someone who loves you like I did? Who cherishes you like me?”

It was an ironic question. Eren didn’t answer.

“You know, I try to change. I really do. But then you go around being as selfish you can be, throwing me aside like I’m trash. And you know what? I guess I am trash! You seem to think so, Levi thinks so! I can’t play the piano anymore. I don’t study as often as I used to. Fuck, I’d toss me aside, too.” The blond laughed humorlessly, throwing his arms open as they sat across from each other at the table. “Look at me! I’m completely useless, and the one thing I had, the one thing I love, is leaving me.”

At this, Eren felt his heart clench and his toes curl. His temples pounded against his head. “Erwin…”

“No, Eren. You know what? It’s fine. It’s fine! I’m not worth the pity. I’m worthless. I’ll never change. You know that, I know that. I just wanted to express my love the only way I knew how. But if you can’t handle it, fine. I’ll survive.”

This wasn’t what Eren wanted to hear, even if it was the sound of Erwin giving up and letting Eren win. But it was too self-loathing. Too spiteful and angry and goddamn sad. The youth couldn’t just leave him here to wallow so horribly.

Eren reached out a hand, grabbing Erwin’s. The older male twitched away, but the brunette tightened his grasp, narrowing his eyes.

“You’re not useless. You just… you’re not like other people. But you’re not worthless or trash. Without you, I would have never found the right comfort when my mom died. Without you, Levi would have been all alone as a child. Without you, your football team would have never won the championships last semester. Your friends, and the people at this university, all care about you. And I’m sure Levi will forgive you… if you make an effort.”

Erwin was shaking his head, but the youth kept speaking. “You have to get yourself checked out, Erwin. I probably will, too. I know I have problems, but I can’t fix them if I don’t know about them. You’re the same. You have to fix yourself. I can’t do it for you, and I’m sorry about that. I wish I could help you with whatever you’re going through. But I can’t, and I won’t. You have to try for your own future and happiness.”

As if all of that was utter bullshit, Erwin just looked at him blankly, slipping his hand away. “So you’re set on this? This is what you truly want? There’s no chance for me anymore?”

Eren slowly and softly shook his head.

“And you don’t love me anymore? Not like you used to?”

Again, he shook his head.

“Fuck. It’s bullshit. I know it is.” He mumbled for a few minutes to himself before finally pausing again. His eyes traveled across to Eren. There still hadn’t been an apology for everything, but at this point, the brunette really wasn’t expecting him. Erwin wasn’t like that.

“Do you… hate me?”

At that, Eren paused. He didn’t shake his head, but he didn’t nod. It was a complicated question, and Erwin had known it when he’d asked. Staring at the table, all the younger felt he could do was give a light, hardly visible shrug. It made him shrink down a bit when Erwin took a long time to reply, making him more nervous.

“You’ve always been relatively weak, Eren. This is surprising.”

With that, Eren finally looked up, his own emerald eyes connecting with the blue ones before him. It was an insult, yet somehow in Erwin’s mouth, it sounded like a compliment. Not like he’d thank him or anything. It just sounded odd. 

He also didn’t miss the particular glint glowing in Erwin’s eyes, though he didn’t comment on it.

“Fine. I’m not going to sit here and beg you. I mean, you’re great and I don’t know if I can move on, but this is what you want. I… I don’t know what to say. It’s…” With this, the blond just shrugs his shoulders, and Eren nods.

There aren’t any words that would heal this wound; not for either of them. Eren had, by Erwin’s point of view, been too harsh with his break up. He’d disregarded him and tossed away his opinion and his feelings. On the other hand, Erwin had taken away Eren’s normality, and he wasn’t sure he’d be okay for a long while after. But he was glad that in the end, he’d at least managed this much. It was rewarding.

Now, at this moment, there were no words. 

Seven months, three months of abuse.

And now it was suddenly over. 

Eren didn’t know whether to feel pressured or relieved. Maybe both was the appropriate reaction.

“So. I mean. I guess I’ll leave.” Erwin stood, swinging his leg away from the bench of the table, before he looked down at Eren. His height was towering and sturdy, raining down on him, and suddenly his heart was hammering in his chest.

“But next time, Eren, don’t try to tell me how to feel. I AM in love with you. I don’t care what your weird, processed, sentimental diagnosis came up with, but I’m in love with you. Always have been.”

Even with this confirmation, the youth wasn’t too sure.

Either way, he just nodded silently, not saying another word. A few people had seemed to taken notice that the two were having a heated discussion, occasionally throwing glances their way. But thankfully no one was in hearing distance.

“See ya around, Eren.”

And with that he was gone, only leaving a heavily breathing Eren and a loudly thumping heart behind.

For some reason, Eren didn't like how _see you around_ sounded.

 

As if the day wasn’t heavy enough, later into the night, Eren was letting Levi into his dorm building and taking him up to his room.

Jean and Armin were hanging out in the third floor’s lobby, playing cards with a few other freshman. Armin gave him a look as they passed by, and he nodded before smiling, waving a hand to Levi and not saying a word as the two walked by.

In his room, they sat on his twin bed and faced each other. Eren pulled his legs up into a criss-cross formation, head hanging as he stared into his lap.

Today seemed to be a day of exhausting talks.

Levi asked him about his day, and he replied without much detail. They made small talk until Eren finally lifted a hand, scratching behind his neck nervously.

“That morning.. I’m sorry I didn’t stay.” He paused, letting the apology hang in the air. “I was confused, I guess. But I hope I didn’t hurt you, or anything..”

The ravenette shook his head. “C’mon, brat. I’m not that sensitive. I understand. You’ve got shit to deal with. I don’t want to complicate that.”

Eren nodded, but his hand still continued to fidget. This was, of course, not the only thing he had to apologize for. There was so much. A never-ending whirl of thoughts and guilt and joy. The brunette tried to catch his words, but his breathing was hitching, and Levi took notice. He ran a hand through the younger’s hair, palm landing on the back of his neck, using his thumb to lightly tilt his face up.

“Breathe. It’s fine, Eren. Whatever you say, it’s fine.”

There was a short pause, before…

“I broke up with him.”

Levi’s eyes widened, certainly surprised. “You what?”

“I broke up with him. I’m… It wasn’t your fault or anything. But I wanted to do if for myself. I wanted to be someone who… someone who’s strong.”

Levi smiled, but it was a soft, sad smile. His thumb stroked the boy’s cheek. “I’m proud of you.”

Eren tried to smile back, but it fell. He looked back down, seemingly still attempting to speak.

“I owe you an apology.”

“Eren,” Levi replied, drawing out his name slow and gently. “You don’t have to…”

“I do. I do, because I took away a relationship you’ve had for so long. I took away the one person you’ve known your whole life. Your only family.”

“And I told you, that’s not your fault. It’s his.”

“I know, but… I just wish it didn’t turn out like this.”

Levi nodded, agreeing, but he didn’t say anything else pertaining to it. It was what it was, and neither of them were at fault. He loved Erwin, but if his brother was going to be immorally evil, he wanted nothing to do with him.

“And I owe you another apology. I.. I slept with you… and I didn’t expect it to be, to feel…” He stopped, trying to gather his words, but he wouldn’t say the one word they were both thinking of. That was too much for one conversation.

“I didn’t expect it to mean so much, and I can’t… I can’t commit to that yet.”

Levi’s hands dropped, but he was nodding, giving a long, slightly sad sigh. It seemed like he was expecting it, and that he understood, but it was still painful. Eren reached out to grab his hands in his own.

“I like you, Levi. I’m not going to lie. I really do. And I’m sorry it took me awhile to figure it out. But I don’t think I’m okay. Not yet. And I don’t think I can just move past all this so quickly, and jump into something with you. I’m really sorry…”

Levi smiled, shaking his head before rolling his eyes dramatically. “Stop apologizing, Jaeger. Listen. I’ve waited about eight months. I can wait awhile longer.”

At that, Eren grinned so wide it hurt. A hand lifted, rubbing his eyes with the back of his palm, giving a small sniffle. But he showed no signs of crying. 

“I wish I’d known you were waiting.”

“I’m a coward.”

Eren shook his head. “You’re not. You’re brave. You’re the most courageous person I know.”

Levi laughed. “Quit it with the sentiments, Eren.”

Eren mirrored the light chuckle. “It’s true! You’re… I don’t know how you do it. It’s admirable.”

The older flicked him on the nose. “Quit it, kid. You’re gonna make me blush.”

“Stop calling me a kid. It sounds creepy after we’ve, you know, done that…”

“Had sex?” Levi’s eyebrows were raised. “Maybe I call you a kid ‘cause you can’t even say it.”

Eren’s nose wrinkled. “Shut up. It’s just embarrassing.”

He didn’t know whether his nose wrinkle set something off in Levi, or if Levi had just decided on kissing him, but suddenly their lips met in a soft touch, lingering for a few seconds before their foreheads rested against one another.

“So we wait.”

Eren nodded. “So we wait.” A pause. “It’ll be worth it.”

Levi breathed out. “I know.” He opened his eyes to pull away and stared at the youth, soaking in those deep green eyes, and the beauty that settled within them. “You can’t touch me until you’re absolutely ready, okay? My self control is non-existent, and you're unbelievably attractive.”

The younger laughed, pulling away. “Way to ruin a moment, Levi.”

“Mm, it’s my speciality.”

The two spent a few laughing and talking with mindlessness, before one last important topic popped into Eren’s mind, and he decided to speak about it while he was with Levi. He didn’t know when he’d see the other again within the next few weeks, and this was significant.

“By the way, I didn’t tell him. About us.”

Levi raised his eyebrows. Eren shrugged.

“I wanted to, but… it’s not my secret to tell. I mean, I can be the one to tell him what happened, if you want me to, but I wanted to ask you first. It’s not fair to just tell him when it could destroy things further, so I had to make sure it was okay.”

“No. I’ll tell him.”

“Levi…”

“No. You don’t need to see him again, and you’re right. It’s not your secret to tell. It’s mine.” He hummed lightly to himself. “I’m sure he’ll take it well…”

“Levi.” Eren’s tone was full of absolute worry.

“Really. It’ll be fine. I’m tough; I know how to handle the bastard. I have to talk to him, anyways.”

Eren was doubtful, but he nodded anyways. They kissed one last time, keeping it as a last kiss, smooth and calm in the ever-lasting strength that they shared.

It was a long road to recovery and happiness, and while they weren’t at their conclusion yet, their worlds were already beginning to feel… lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think we all know that Erwin isn't going to give up so easily. He's... not too happy, but because they were in public, it didn't show to the fullest. Hope you guys are ready. 
> 
> Now, as much as I'd like to write a million chapters of this fanfic, I think I'm reaching a conclusion soon. I'm not the type of person to prolong a story just because I want to write more. So when I feel that everything's wrapped up within the next few chapters, it'll be coming to an eventual end. It's been a crazy, short journey, but I've still got a bit of fun insanity to share with you all. Can't wait :)
> 
> Tagging: 'fic:hurts like heaven' or 'fic hurts like heaven' or 'ereri hurts like heaven'.


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